keys to the ivy league

i love guys.
yes, in a heterosexual way, but that's not what i mean.
i love guys, as they are. with their boys, having fun, man talk, relaxing, playing video games, doing manly things, and being all around chill.
i've spent most of my life surrounded by mostly men, or boys really.
it started in 1st grade when i began playing hockey. i was one of the only females. it continued until today. i learned early that guys have far less baggage than the average woman, and they bring with them such an easy-going sense of fun. i find it much MUCH easier to get along with guys than I do with females. i always feel awkward around other girls, especially if they are much prettier than i am. i find it really hard to make female friends. i'm just more comfortable around guys. i've been called a dude, a bro, one of the guys. and no, before you say it, i'm not a lesbian. in any way, shape, or form. i just prefer male companionship to females. i've been wired that way for awhile.

unfortunately, let's just say i've lost a lot of friendships.

when i become friends with a guy or a group of guys, it's normally completely platonic. if i was interested in something more, or if i found them attractive, trust me, they'd know about it. and here's my problem. i'm starting to believe that it's ridiculously impossible for a guy and a girl to JUST be best friends. i've been proven wrong again and again and it's been so frustrating. in my case, it's normally never that i am the one that develops feelings, though it has happened once or twice. it just seems like every time i become close with a guy, you know,  close enough to call him one of my best friends, close enough that we talk a lot and i'm comfortable telling him what's going on with me and sharing with him my problems, every time, he falls for me. what am i doing wrong here? i don't think i'm sending the "i totally dig you and want to date/fuck you" signals. i save those for when i mean them. but i must be doing something wrong for this to happen every fucking time i feel like i have a good guy friend. every goddamn time. i'm sick of it. my mom tells me that it's good, that i should try dating one of my friends. truth is, i don't want to. they normally have amazing personalities, but i'm NOT attracted to them. i don't want to date them; i just want a friend. here's what happens: i start talking to one of my guy acquaintances online, or in person or what not. we chat, hang out occasionally with groups. at some point, i find we're both online at strange times, and i feel comfortable actually having a legit conversation with them. that goes on, and eventually it's comfortable enough for us to hang out just by ourselves. and i love it. i have someone i can trust, and actually enjoy myself with. then, they do something to fuck up the entire system, like send you a weird leading on text, or try to hold your hand during a movie. and shit can never be the same. then i'm left feeling as if our entire ruse of a friendship was just him trying to be the best person he could be to either get in my pants or date me, and well, who is he really when he's not trying to impress me? did i ever really know him? once my amazing intuition picks up on any sort of vibes, i try and distance myself from that person as much as possible. i don't want to lead them on any more than i already didn't mean to, and to be honest, i am left feeling really fucking betrayed and lonely. you have no idea how many "best" friends i've had to drop from my close circle. it legitimately hurts to think about.

let's talk about today, shall we? here's an instance where my intuition wasn't really going off on this kid, but just enough to cause a little suspicion but not much. i gave him the benefit of the doubt, just like any other guy. (granted, my intuition has yet to be wrong.) this guy's really cool. we weren't close in high school, but we shared multiple groups of friends with each other and he was always around.  over the course of the school year while i was at college, i'd find him to be online during all the fucked up times i was, so being the only two on, we'd chat. it started off with some "hey, what's up?" "how's college?" crap. then it got to more interesting and real conversations, which were always a welcome relief. i came back in january and we hung out with a group and it was great. we talked more second semester. then, i come back now for the summer, and i find him to be one of the only reliable people in this town, so he picks me up and we chill with his (also sort of my) friends. we do that, talk all the time. at this point, he knows a whole lot about me, and i know that i can trust him. one day, we're both bored so he invites me over to watch a movie. never having hung out with him where it was just us, i was nervous. i despise awkward silences, and i planned on their being many. to my surprise, there were none. everything was so comfortable and casual and i loved it. so we hung out a few more times, last night i went to go see his band play. the funny thing is, just yesterday i was talking to my mom about him. i was telling her what an amazing person and listener he is, and how there wasn't a single awkward moment at his house. so then today, i go to his house to chill and watch another movie. so we're sitting there, chilling on his bed exactly like last time when i see he has his left arm (the one near me) chilling in an awkward spot, palm up, as if wanting to hold my hand. my alarms were going off, but again, i thought there was a possibility he was just relaxing his arm weird. then, like 20 minutes into the movie, i feel his hand inching ever closer to me, until finally it rested on my leg. and i thought to myself a big giant FUCKKKKKKKK. more awkward and totally obvious things happened so i now know for a fact that he is interested in me. i made sure not to reciprocate any of it. i mean come on, the night ended with me having my arms folded and my legs indian-style. i don't think it is possible for me to look any more closed off. he didn't get the hint. i feel so jipped it's not even funny. THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

i just...i don't know. i'm so damn frustrated right now. i don't know what to do. i really feel like giving up trying to find a good guy friend who won't start liking me. i just want a bro. is that too much to ask for?

i'm pissed and sad and frustrated and i have no one to complain to online right now. this was probably the most middle-school-sounding entry on this blog but that's because it was straight "stream of consciousness".


arggggggg.

all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze, running for cover,
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?