keys to the ivy league

something's been bugging me, and it's bugging me bad. i don't know what it is so i'm just going to write and hopefully i get it out of my system so i can be happy.

i don't understand myself. i'm constantly dwelling over my exboyfriend, though i know he's nasty and he smokes cigarettes and he's a horrible person and he's the last person i should be thinking about. but i can't stop. i constantly stalk his page. i talk to his best friend. i'm pen pals with his little sister. i'm as close as i can get to him without talking directly to him. and trust me, i've come so damn close to sending him a message. telling him everything's okay, let's talk and be friends. i've written the damn message out, hovered my cursor over the send button. it's been so close. but at that last moment, i stop myself, his words of "slut" and "whore" echoing in my head, me thinking "what would papa bear think? what would my best friend think? is this really what i want?" and i discard the message. but what happens when those questions don't arise in my mind? what if i click send? that'd be so bad, and i'd just fall once again into the self-defeating cycle that is him. i can't do it, but i'm scared i will. i've reached intense moments of weakness and if they continue along this path, my resolve is only going to get weaker and weaker until i give in. this terrifies me. i just want him out of my head. there was a time when he was; things were good, but not really. they were just distractions. now, there aren't any distractions. there's only the starch cold reality of what i'm doing. and it sucks.

he's not a good guy. i'm not still in love with him (i don't think so). he's not attractive. why am i still caught up, after all of this time? why can't i just be free?

the other day i realized something shocking. my exboyfriend is the only person that i've been intimate with while sober. and that's scary, shocking, terrifying, horrifying, embarrassing, shameful.

i feel shame. for the first time in a long time. i feel intense amounts of shame.

these boys, these fucks, these kisses, they mean nothing. not even a morning text. nothing. they're satisfying a need and they're not even doing that very well. they're scraping my ego and my self-esteem off of the floor, even if only for one night. i'm trying to fill myself up with them but it's not working. it's like trying to cup water in your hands. futile. fruitless. impossible. nothing remains once they're gone. i'm still as empty and as charred as i was the day after my relationship ended. it's starting to get to me, and get to me good. i'm shamed.

two boys have hurt me here. without meaning to. without me meaning to give them the power to hurt me. they're good looking boys. one was a fantastic lover, sensual. touching. stocky. bro-y. i have a legitimate reason for starting to feel more than just a casual fuck for him. we were a constant thing. it was the only thing i could count on in my life for a time period. every friday and saturday, around roughly 3am, i'd get that text, "hey what are you up to?" and i'd rarely go, but i still had that consistency. i had it. i lost it somehow, and i still don't know how. something better came along, i'm sure. i've learned that's how guys are. they're never content with what they have; something better is always around the corner. and that's miserable for me because i haven't been the something better in a long, long time.

the second guy. i don't understand. there's no legitimacy here. he's a good looking guy, we spent maybe thirty minutes together, made out. i was incredibly attracted to him for unfathomable reasons. then he ditched me. something better came along. i even texted him asking him where he was. no reply. texted him drunkenly stating that i would have gone home with him. no reply. of course i regretted those texts in the morning. what right did i have to try and claim his as mine? he did exactly what i do every weekend. but i saw something more than just a hookup in him, and that's why it hurt. still hurts. i swear i saw this boy like 4 times today (whereas i never used to run into him) and we avoided eye contact every time. where do i stand? what does he think of me? i'm afraid to make the first move. again, with the shame.

i'm so despicably desperate for affection, of any sort. as i said earlier, these boys, they help me out. they make me feel wanted, even if only temporarily. they make me feel powerful. but it doesn't stay. it doesn't satisfy my need. but i'm not going to stop. no way in hell. i'm not going to try "fixing my morals" or "becoming a better person" or any bullshit like that. fuck that. fuck morality. i don't understand how being completely alone all the time, miserable and worthless, is better than relieving that feeling temporarily, even if it's only by sleeping with a meaningless guy who doesn't ever text you again and avoids eye contact with you everytime you see him thereafter. even if it's him. that guy. how does that compute? i'd rather have a little bit of relief than none at all. i don't think that makes me a bad person. who's judging this anyway? don't give me god, because that entire concept is screwed up. i'd rather not be completely miserable and i think that in itself makes me a more intelligent person. i will continue to collect men like they are trading cards and i do not see anything wrong with it other than the fact that it is not what i want in the long run. it's a temporary fix. but it's a fix i'm not giving up.

but where does this lead me? where's the end result? i just want a boy i can be with sober. that is all. sex isn't even that important to me anymore. i can be in a relationship without sex. i can wait. i don't want another relationship where there are moments that i believe our entire existence is based solely on our sex. i don't want that anymore. i just want a hand in mine, a place to rest my head, an arm around my waist. and i want it sober. sober and consistent and loyal. that's what i want. that's what i'm not going to get. and i don't know how to get it. i'm well aware i'm not going about this the right way and i'm attracting all the wrong sorts of people but i don't know how else to do this. i don't know. i'm lost. and i'm aching.

i didn't even want to drink tonight. i dumped the drink that i had. the taste made me sick. i just kept thinking of my ex and how i really needed a hand to hold. there weren't any hands around.

i'm heading home soon. heading home to a whole other life. my old life. the one that included parties without alcohol, nights without bird chirping, friends without benefits, highs without drugs, and kisses without impairment. hopefully it will do me good, but it may in fact do me bad. everything will reek of ex-lovers. i haven't been home since then. i haven't been away from my support group here since then. it will be a test of wills. i may not make it.

i'd like to think i'm far less fucked up than the people i know. they just seem much more messed up and conflicted than i am. it's like when i'm drunk or high, i always try to be the rational one. i try to see others as if they're so much more drunk or high than i am. i try to speak in full intelligible sentences, and i try to help those who seem like they need help. i feel high and mighty. but really, i'm not making sense, i'm bumbling about just as much as them, and i'm not any more sober. that's how i think life is. maybe i AM as fucked up as everyone else. maybe we're all fucked up together.

was i always fucked up? or is this a new development?

fuck.









i hate sleeping alone.