keys to the ivy league

it's all back to the daily grind. we trudge and we trudge and we trudge and we trudge, if only to just have the ability to trudge some more. somethings just don't make sense.

i just want to see the world.

and mister more-than-one-night. i'm not waiting for you to call on me anymore. if you want to make it 4 times, you'll reach me yourself and i may or may not come. i'm not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to you. i almost did, and boy, would that have been a mistake. i'm taking the few scraps of emotions that have thwarted my control and latched on to you back. they're mine, you see? you're not a boyfriend type, at least for me. i want better. i'll get better. it may not be today, tomorrow, next month, next year. but it'll happen. because i won't be waiting on you, or any other person i sleep with. i won't even be looking for him. it'll just happen. that's the way these things work. they just happen. there's no sense in waiting around. i'm going to enjoy my life, my world. i'm not going to sit around waiting to be included in yours.

you know, i'm scared of people reading this blog. i'm terrified of who may find it. i've never been this open. i've shared my thoughts and secrets before, but never to this extent. that's why i won't write my name. or my school. or other people's names. i'm scared. though if you knew me, you'd definitely know this is me. so hey, if you're reading this, friend. i'm more worried about my pre-college friends, my pre-college life. old me. i had a persona, i had an identity, and i'm not sure how much of that is left. i think if my old friends saw my blog, they'd have to say that they no longer know me. my mindset and my ways have changed that drastically. but i'm just coming into my own. i just had to escape the confines of my small town and my restrictive parents to do that.

i'm trying to forcibly change myself now. in every aspect. i'm not happy with where i'm headed. grades, weight, lifestyle. it's all currently being overhauled. i'm changing. i'm determined. keep up with me.

i'm working out now. i've gained an upwards of 20 pounds since college started. all i've done is eat in the dining hall and sit around on my laptop. i've had no exercise. that's changing. monday, wed, fri, sun. 30 minute in-dorm workouts. i'm also going to begin incorporating gym visits. i have to get over my fear of going places alone and just do it. i'm also incorporating a "healthy monday" to my schedule. salads and low calorie foods on monday. it's a small step, but due to failures in the past, it's what i have to start with. i hate my body. i loathe it, despise it. i've never been this unhappy with myself. it's gotten to the point where it's affecting other aspects of my life and frankly, that is not okay. something must be done and i'm doing it now. i've already been through week one. i'm setting my sights to keep this up for 4 weeks, at least. no backing down, no backing out. i want to lose 30 pounds by august. it's a steep, steep goal. but i know i can do it. it'll be a slow, laborious process, and i'm going to need help sticking to it, but it will happen. i'll like my body again. my reward will be my second tattoo. i cannot wait.

another overhaul is regarding my grades. i have slacked so badly. my studying habits are horrible. this is all changing. i'm now determined to get my work done ahead of time, to start projects early, to study comprehensively, and most importantly, to ask for help. i dread asking for help. i went to office hours once last semester and it was a horrible experience. no more. i need help. i will not get As without it. this school is not a place where i can simply glide by, like high school. this is starting now. today may have been the most productive day i've had my entire freshman year. right now i'm simply taking a break between lecture videos for my upcoming midterm two tuesdays from now to write this and get this burden off of my mind. getting things done feels amazing. i'm also meeting with a professor from one of my classes to help me out with an essay i have due on friday.

i'm determined to turn myself around. i just pray that i don't regress. tripping and stumbling are expected as long as i get back up and continue on my path. i can't give up. this is my personal message to myself. when times get hard, i just have to reread this post and push myself harder and harder to stick to it. i need to like myself again, not only part of me, but all aspects of myself. my mind keeps returning to my junior year of high school. i loved myself, in the most modest and least vain way. i loved myself. i loved my body, i loved my personality, i loved my work habits, my time management, i loved my life. after my recent breakup and period of pessimism, i firmly believe that i have finally regained that sense of optimism and vivacity and drive that i haven't seen since my junior year. i already feel empowered and hopeful. i can dream again. it feels beyond amazing. then i remember my body and everything else and it's just bringing me down. that's why it needs to change. that's why it will change.

don't fuck it up.