keys to the ivy league

Hooking up and one night stands are new things to me. Back in high school, I would have never thought I'd be doing what I find so casual now. I'd definitely be the first to call myself a slut and a whore. I had about three or four real boyfriends over the course of 4 years of high school, and only one ever got serious. But times change, morals change. You do things you swore that you never would. And you don't regret it. at least I don't. everything i do, every guy i kiss, every shot or hit i take, i do it for myself. i'm not seeking external gratification. i'm seeking pleasure, happiness, escape, but all for myself. i do it because it feels good. why shouldn't i do something that makes me happy? seriously, the high you get after good sex is better than the best weed in the world. pleasure is an amazing and beautiful thing. though sigmund freud may have been completely out of his mind, i think that he's definitely got a point when he speaks of the id. The id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts as according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or unpleasurable sensations.

Freud defines it:

“It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We all approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle."

[Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1933)]

pleasure. immediate satisfaction. chaos. seething excitations.

ever since i've been able to live life by my own terms, i've been letting my id control more of my life. before now, i never had a chance or a choice to give in to my id.

it's an amazing thing. live by the id. responsibly. lol. i still do schoolwork. (note, i am up at 3AM now, having just finished an essay) but my friday and saturday nights are dominated by my dear friend, my id. i wouldn't ask for it any other way.

on a related note, i've learned a lot upon entering this hookup culture of college.
in particular, i've learned the difference between one you hook up with, and one you "like" in the high school sense of the term.
you hook up with guys you find physically (even remotely) attractive. you don't know them very well, and their personality doesn't factor into the equation nearly as much as it does for the other category. "it isn't real if it's just one night" to quote a random song running through my head. normally, you don't hook up with people you can see yourself marrying. you hook up with cocky guys with swagger, looking for a little satisfaction, just like yourself. when you see them prior to hooking up, it's easy to imagine them sexually. normally, relationships are not started with the hookup types. when they do, they have a tendency to end badly. i know from experience. my most recent ex was someone i never had an issue considering sexually. i had a primal attraction to him since junior year of high school. he wasn't physically attractive, but that lust was still there. i think i can blame his conceited bigoted personality for that. i'm kind of a sucker for cocky boys. well, we eventually started dating my senior year of high school. i lost my virginity to him. we stayed together the entire school year and throughout the majority of my first year in college. however, now that it's over, i've been given a chance to reflect on our relationship that i thought was so amazing. what more did we have but sex and lust? sure, i loved him, but we were missing essential connections on a mental level. looking back, i'm not all too sure that i really did love his person, and not just his persona and physical allure. i mean, how could i, when we never really had anything to talk about? i'm starting to think he was simply a friends-with-benefits that lasted almost two years.

now to the other category. there are certain people in my life that, no matter how hard i try, i cannot imagine them sexually. it just does not compute. but i am positive that i am attracted to them, in one particular case, i could definitely almost be in love with them. how does that work? let's take one example. there's this guy i met my sophomore year of high school. he was beautiful, but he was also the smartest guy i'd ever met. from the first time i saw him walk into class, i was smitten. not by his looks, but by his demeanor, his speech, his mind. silly me wrote him a cute little note admitting my initial attraction, which in turn made things awkward. it wasn't until my junior year that we got over the immaturity of the previous year and i actually got to know him. i believe that is when i truly fell in love with this boy. we could talk. we could talk for hours, for days. i'd never lose interest in anything he had to say. he amazed and enthralled me, and it didn't help that he probably had the most friendly, caring, and sympathetic personality out of anyone i knew. i felt myself falling for him, big time, but i knew the feelings weren't reciprocated so i simply kept it to myself. same goes for my senior year. i eventually just taught myself how to put my massive amounts of emotions for him on the backburner and move on to other guys. but no matter what, i always compared every other guy to him. in my mind, he was my 10/10. my only 10/10. the perfect male. if he were to have asked me out, my feelings would have surged to the surface and i would have dropped anyone i had dated during my junior and senior years in an instant.

but back to my point. the fact is, i never once saw him in a lustful sexual way. you know when you daydream about hooking up with guys, imagining scenarios in your head? i physically can't imagine them with him. i'm not sure why it is, but i'm sure it means something big.

this is not an exclusive event either. there are a few guys who i meet with whom my initial attraction is nowhere near sexual. i'm attracted to their personalities, their essence, not their bodies. same for these guys, i can't picture them in sexual settings. this fact kind of blows my mind.

all the guys that i cannot picture sexually are guys that i find are perhaps someday the marrying type. for now, they'd be the dating type. i'd love love LOVE to date a guy whom i didn't see sexually, just to see how it would turn out. i never have so i don't know what would result. would the sexual attraction eventually build up, or would it simply never surface? i hope one day i get the chance to try dating one of these amazing men.

all of this somehow relates to the little blurb i originally intended on posting.
the awkward post-one-night-stand-conversation-when-you-realize-you-really-knew-NOTHING-about-the-person-you-slept-with-two-weekends-ago. because it just happened. my awkward conversation. it was bearable, wasn't too bad actually. he's a nice guy. i may consider going on a date with him, because that seems to be his intention, which i find a little surprising. but the main point is the conversation wasn't all that painful. this guy i know who's younger brother i dated used to say things were only awkward if you made it awkward which i actually find extremely profound.


so yeah. life is odd. and i want to be cool like my future roommate and share some random photos but i can never think of what photos to post. let me just do a random search in my pictures folder.

ouch just found a really cute photo of my ex-boyfriend. i can't believe he turned into one of those ex-boyfriends from hell. i really didn't expect that out of him. ='[