the truth is, I’m not entitled to anything. I took what I had when I had it for granted. now I’m left with loneliness at a college where to be quite blunt, I’m not wanted, needed, desired, anything. call my bluff if you will, but it’s true. every night that I sleep alone (which is every night, might I point out) I feel like I’m being punished. and it’s literally killing me, a little by little. no, I’m not being melodramatic, I’m just…dehydrated. I look up to my left and see a photo of my friends who have been together so long, so happy, so cuddly, and I want that. I’m parched, I’m thirsty, I want that so bad right now. I miss that. I feel so ugly here, so discarded. it may not be true, you’re right. but that’s how I feel. and I don’t know what to do about it. there really is nothing I can do about.
I don’t have someone to kiss goodnight. I don’t have someone to hold me in the cold. I don’t have someone to drag along by the hand. I don’t have someone to go on a date to finale with. I don’t have someone to be my “+1” to parties. I don’t have someone to take facebook pictures with. I don’t have someone to be my valentine, or send me flowers, or a singing acapella group. hell, I don’t even have someone to send a singing acapella group to, myself. couples take so many things for granted. words and videos can only mean so much. nothing compares to a hug from behind, or a warm hand on your shoulder. as I said, once you’ve had it, that caring companion, going back to a life without it is probably one of the loneliest existences.
that is where I am, right now. next weekend is valentine’s day. I don’t get why I get so worked up over valentine’s day. I know, I know, “it’s a holiday invented by hallmark to get money”. but, personally, I think it’s an adorable and cute and amazing holiday. what a better holiday than one that specifically is meant to spread love among the world? you probably would never know that I secretly love valentine’s day, because I openly hate it. like, I’ll buy my friends cute valentines some years, but I’ll talk about how it’s so cheese and lame. that’s not how I really feel. I guess it’s the stereotypical coverup. I always get so excited for valentine’s day, and I look forward to it. I love love. but without fail, every year is a let down and something bad happens on valentine’s day. literally without fail. you probably think I’m exaggerating but I’m really not. how many of you have broken up on valentine’s day? not too many, but I know a few others. the truth is, valentine’s day for me is always like davies’ j-curve, the only think I learned in gov last semester. increasing hopes and expectations, and when the actual result doesn’t meet the expectations, then there’s a downward slope of depression. that’s my valentine’s day. I don’t expect much, really. I don’t. I’m not materialistic at all. but I’d just like a good valentine’s day. just once. I’d like flowers, (I still haven’t gotten flowers), and chocolates, and a heartfelt handwritten note, and a sunset, and a hand to hold. really, that’s not much. I’m not asking for a tiffany’s necklace here. let’s see, flowers, like $20. chocolates? like $5. a handwritten note? zero. a sunset and a hand to hold? also zero. I don’t want expensive things, I just want feelings. I want to be loved. and I want pretty smells. (the flowers. I love flowers.) I’ve never gotten flowers, or a cute page long note, or a pretty picture, or an adorable date, or a giant stuffed animal or anything for valentine’s day. it’s just lonely.
I really don’t mean for this to sound whiny and complainy. it’s 2:30 AM. I had a great night with my friends last night. we went to a prom. it was fun. I’ve just got this intense heavy feeling of loneliness weighing me down right now, and normally, if I write about something, it lightens the load, even just a little bit. that’s all my intentions were here. I surely don’t want to like, guilt trip anyone into getting me something for v-day, because then I’d feel like a truly horrible person. I’m just spilling out yet another intimate part of my life to the greater blogging nation. i’d just like a good valentine’s day. really. and it sucks, because I know that this valentine’s day won’t be a good one. I’ll be alone again, though I may have my best friend from home with me, but she’s not the cure to the kind of loneliness I have. I won’t have that hand to hold. it’s too far away and I have short arms.
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