keys to the ivy league

it's been so long since i've felt a heartbeat, i've almost forgotten the sensation.
the soft thundering percussion of nerves,
that you both hear and feel, as your heart matches its beat,
trying but never quite achieving synchronization. 
i forgot the tickle of a soft fingertip, tracing from my hand to my waist and again back up my spine,
those goosebumps have long been forgotten, until now.
or the way that two bodies are able to fit within each other as if they were made to,
or what it felt like to smile and kiss at the same time. 

i am happy.
i am so happy.
azalea told me that i needed to write something that was more in the moment, instead of dwelling on the past and the future like i usually do. (maybe i'm an escapist too?)
well here azalea.
i am so happy.
right now.
this instant.
the present.
me.
happy.

i've found someone that i really like.
i like both talking to him and kissing him, and boys like that are hard to find these days.
especially boys like that who like you too.
the day i finally decide to give up chasing unattainable desires is the same day i end up making out with what i was looking for all along, without trying to sound too hopeful about where this will lead.
irony, oh you're so silly.

Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know? 

this could be the start of something good.
but you know what?
i don't care.
right now,
right fucking now,
even though i have a response paper to write,
and class early in the morning,
i am happy.
it's been too long since i've been able to say that and feel that and know that.
i am happy,
and for now, that's all i need.
i don't want to be an ant.