keys to the ivy league

and you're still on my mind.
i tried and tried not to get my hopes up,
but i failed at that.
i think that this may be something good.
i'm excited.
i hope i'm right.
i've passed that point, you know?
there's that point, right before you get on the plane to skydive, where you're offered a chance to turn back and still get a refund, but the moment both of your feet step onto that plane, that's it. you're done. even if you decide not to go through with it and jump, you don't get a single dime back.
with that little deceiving manwhore freshman, i had one foot on the plane, stood there for awhile, but thought better of it and turned around and got my refund.
but with this one, we'll call him the radio boy, i've already gotten onto the plane.
i'm still waiting for him, the pilot, to start heading down the runway, so i know for sure that he's actually interested in me,
and then i have to decide if i'm even going to jump or not,
but either way, i'm not getting a refund.
i've passed that point where i could still walk away from this without a care in the world.
i'm over here all the way in florida, and he's occupying my thoughts.
he's not that cute; he's got kind of beady eyes, he's pretty small and skinny, he's got a twitchy sort of manner about him, and i can't even decide if i'm actually interested in him or not.
i think that's mostly because i'm trying to keep myself so guarded and so protected that i'm unwilling to consider putting out any sort of concrete feelings yet.
but i am thinking about him.
and i'm looking forward to having a movie night with him next week.
things are looking up.

now if only i could say the same about my classes. =[
i've never felt so much like giving up.
so much so that the thought of taking a semester off has actually crossed my mind multiple times.
if it wasn't for the friends i'd miss out on, or the fact that i don't know what i'd do with my semester off,
then i'd do it.
i don't know why i can't handle this.
maybe whoever first evaluated me was right. maybe i wasn't cut out for this kind of academia. maybe they shouldn't have given me a second chance, a second interview.
i know i know, supposedly everyone feels like this at some point while at harvard,
but i swear to god, i've never felt so incompetent before. i try and i try, i read and i read, i practice and i practice, but i just can't handle it. i "don't make the cut". i think i understand something well, but when it all comes down to it, it turns out i don't. and others make me aware of this. i'm almost afraid to ask anyone for help because i just always feel so dumb. i don't think they mean to make me feel dumb, but they do. they think things have a logical flow and are common sense, but to me they're not, and i'm sorry that they're not, but i can't help it. trust me, i wish i could. i wish i could grasp these concepts as easily as you do, but no matter how many times i read the damn chapter or look at the diagrams, i still can't master it. i think people are losing patience with me. i think they believe that i'm not putting in the effort, or that i'm not trying to learn the material. and that's why i never like asking for help in the first place. i hate feeling belittled or patronized, and asking someone for help automatically puts that person that you are asking on a pedestal and places you at their feet and i hate that. i never once asked for help in high school. not once. but here, i find myself in desperate need of help, and desperate times call for desperate measures. if i'm asking someone for help, it already means i'm desperate. i'm on my last limb. i wish people understood this.

i wish i was pulling better grades. i wish i understood things. i wish i could remember what i have to remember. i wish i could get a fucking A in a class. i feel like a failure for accepting c's. i'm also scared that i'm going to lose my scholarship. last semester, i tried to explain away my grades in hope that this year would be better, and it's not. i'm still barely making it. i don't think i can explain them away this time, and that's not good. maybe i'll even be forced to take a semester off because i won't be able to afford coming back. and that's scary.

i'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained at this point. this is by far the worst semester i've experienced so far, and the only thing pushing me through it is the belief that this will be the worst semester out of my entire four years here at harvard. once it's over, i'm done. i cannot take another semester like this one. after this is said and done, if spring is like this, i won't be able to make it. i'll tell you right now, if spring semester is going to be as draining as this current semester, then i will be taking a semester off. i cannot take this any longer. as it is, i don't know how i'm going to survive the next two months. i've made it two already, so i'm going to try. that's why i'm hoping this thing with radio boy turns out for the better. i think i could use something like that in my life and i think it would help me deal with everything and help make my semester from hell a little less torturous.

i guess we'll see how things turn out. so it goes.