this is not a chronological account of my life.
don't expect it to be.
things happen.
i can't update.
i don't want to feel obligated to recount each minute detail.
no one reads this anyways.
if i'm writing for myself, why should it matter what i leave out?
i'm "home" now. first semester is behind me. i got really sick with an infection the day i came home. went to the ER and almost needed to be admitted on the 23rd. so i've been sick for christmas. it's been pretty miserable. i haven't been able to see any of my friends from back "home".
why is it "home"?
it doesn't feel like home. home is college. home is my dorm. home is that little single of mine that exemplifies my freedom and independence. this place? it's nothing more than memories of everything i was never allowed to do.
there's a boy. there's been a boy for awhile. he wasn't a good boy. of course, i fell for him. back in high school, we were so young. he was my first love, my first everything. he hurt me countless times with his lying and cheating and going behind my back and victimizing himself. i always came back to him. he broke up with me back in thanksgiving. i was happy. it was a weight removed off of my shoulders.
he's begged for me back ever since. he has slightly matured, i'll give him that. he's not a bad boy anymore. he hangs out with like 4 people. he doesn't do anything. he goes to work, college, and the same kid's house every night. he still lives with his parents. he's still in that high school mentality.
i didn't take him back.
the single life was mine to be had, finally. the puma was free.
but we still talked. i found myself still caving into him, unable to be harsh or mean. I knew that once i returned home, i would not be able to resist returning to him. i'm sure you know how that is. the feelings would just come bubbling up all over again.
he stopped by on christmas eve as a surprise. he gave me earrings. it's not a very personal gift. i didn't get him anything. he asked me out again. he was wearing aeropostle, which if you knew him in high school, you would understand how unbelievably odd that was. he looked good. and then there was that smile again. that crinkly eyed grin of his that i fell for over a year ago. that grin that my poor little high school self had wanted to marry. i said yes.
some feelings never really go away. they just hide and burrow, deep within your mind. you push them and their inconveniences aside. but when you are once again face to face with that object of your affection? i couldn't help it. what am i going to do?
i don't regret it now. i want to be with him. once again, i am following my pleasure principle, not caring about my consequences. i miss the good times we had. he promises he's changed and he even seems like he has a bit. he wants to be romantic. he was never romantic. i was always a little sad about his lack in that area.
what about college? i'll go away again. there are bound to be other guys. and i'm gone for so long. i don't like feeling attached, feeling locked down, feeling like a caged bird, or perhaps more fitting, a caged tiger. i like sex. i like boys. i have needs. 1500 miles away, you can't provide me with those needs. not only that, i need contact. not even talking about sex. i need hugs, compassion, cuddling, hand holding. i think i missed holding hands the most. i'm not this hyper-sexual nymphomaniac that i sound like. i used to be a hopeless romantic and i still am. i need a person, not a text message or a video call.
i won't be able to tell him any of this when the time comes. i know i won't. i'm a coward of the worst kind. and i'm a cheat and a liar too. i used to be so pure and angelic and perfect and moral and i don't know what's become of me. but i'm not going to change. i maximize my happiness on behalf of everyone else's. i'm selfish.
there are other guys here that want me. i've got them calling me, texting me, asking me how i am feeling, when i'm well so we can hang out.
what am i going to do?
i read through a blog today. through many years of daily blogging. i hate this girl. she was my boyfriend's (?) first. that gives me every right to hate her. but she also hooked up with him many times during the time i knew him, and perhaps even once while we were dating. she's a cunt for various reasons.
but she's a cunt that he brought roses and cherries to outside her window in the middle of the night on her birthday.
he never once bought me flowers.
okay there's this new website at my college. it's causing quite a fuss. it is a lot like this.
people are complaining because they find it stalkerish and creepy.
but me? not at all!
unlike the FML website we have for my school,
this one allows the anonymous writer more creative freedom, and it's not just incessant bitching.
some of these are really poetic, and most of them are about love and unrequited love and there's really nothing more poetic than that.
of course, i'm a sucker for this website. i've been addicted since it's inception. i think maybe i was written about once, by the cute guy i sent the drunk message to. maybe it was him. it was obviously either me or two other girls because we're the only ones in my college who do what was stated. (i'm not getting specific; i enjoy my anonymity too) but then it said, after listing the telltale activity i'm involved in, "you're super cute. i may not have more feelings for you, but i just wanted to let you know-i saw you."
which if it is from him, it makes me swoon a little bit. if it's not, then i'm still sort of swooning. idk. =D
so as a homage to this new fantastic obsession of mine, i'm going to list a few of my favorite anonymous bits of poetry that have graced said website. enjoy! there are poets among us!
Somewhere out there
Posted at 2009-12-09 23:02:22, M spotting F
I saw you... never in my life. I want you without knowing you and I need you for my life to be worth living. Find me when I least expect you. Let my awkward soul breathe easily in your embrace.
****
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:56:29, F spotting M
I saw you... for the first time in senior year high school, and you had me from hello. Although we've been through some rough times in our relationship over the years, I have a feeling that everything is going to turn out all right for us.
Around BLANK & BLANK, I think
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:56:21, M spotting F
I saw you once, in just the right light, as I'd never seen you before... and things were never the same for me after that. I saw you smile, and all the psychological armor I've spent years building up suddenly dissipated into nowhere, inexplicably. I don't even feel the way I did anymore, but I remember the feeling, and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if you had accepted, to be with you, to have my guard forced down all the time, to be able to achieve that state of bliss I've rarely ever known. ...Then again, I still see you, fairly often, and sometimes I think I may have dodged a bullet.
BLANK
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:30:56, F spotting M
I saw you...struggling to walk up the stairs after a round of chemo. You are the strongest person I know, and you have the heart of an angel. What's beautiful is that you don't even know it. You deserved the Rhodes, it's their loss.
Labs
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:22:33, M spotting F
I saw you... Across the hall from me at my lab. I knew I wanted you the first time I saw you. Your black braids with streaks of brown, like coffee right after it's been introduced to milk, but before it's mixed in. Your eyes so big that Atlas himself would balk at holding them. Your skin softer than the fur of an animal that your name rhymes with. Your physique would make Athena jealous. Luckily you and I are more real than any myths.
in the snow
Posted at 2009-12-09 13:55:15, M spotting F
I saw you... On the wintery banks, your freckles illuminated by the snowy sun. You pale eyes gleamed back and the bricked buildings surrounding you... you keep me ever so faithful...
DHall
Posted at 2009-12-09 13:18:39, M spotting F
I saw you... walking into the dining hall, still looking like the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. When I see you, everything is right with the world. Your hair shimmers like golden flax. We lock eyes from across the room. When am I ever going to muster the courage to speak to you?
BLANK
Posted at 2009-12-09 04:02:32, F spotting F
I saw you...this morning in our room; I woke up to the elegant image of you quietly slipping on a flowery dress. Your fiery red curls sear into my mind an eternal picture of a woman I will never forget. We are eons apart---me in the library right now, and you probably sleeping in our room, as you somehow manage a consistent sleep schedule in this crazy, crazy world we live in. Yes, we do share cigarettes, dreams, and dresses. But let's share more time. Roommate, confidant, I miss you, lady!
Our Bed
Posted at 2009-12-09 03:04:30, M spotting F
I saw you, over three years ago, sitting next to me in a freshman week lecture, and neither of us said a word -- but I know you were thinking what I was thinking... Then I saw you from a distance, again and again, always from a distance, and wondered if you ever noticed, and if your jerk boyfriend would just disappear. Turns out you did, and he did -- it took us forever to come clean, but now I see you every day and every night. You're flawless. I'm so lucky.
Dreams and Reality
Posted at 2009-12-09 02:39:08, M spotting F
I saw you... on the train. No one else mattered. I followed you... to the square. I was nervous. I walked... around the stores. I couldn't buy you anything. I knew... that we were different. I tried not to care. I wondered... if you thought about me. I knew you did. I regretted... my timidity. I hope I change.
BLANK
Posted at 2009-12-09 02:02:42, M spotting F
I saw you... in my bed, as you looked at me with a question that you know I could not answer. Your smile belies the pain sitting behind your eyes, those baby worlds containing the untold secrets I'll never get to keep. Your hand slides down my back with a familiarity that is immediate, two strangers in an unforeseeable fate, unaware of the path we make.
^^my favorite! *swwooooooooonnnn*
Our room
Posted at 2009-12-09 00:27:55, F spotting F
I saw you...sleeping in your bed, which is conveniently located next to mine. You were breathing heavily because cold weather makes you stuffy. Your bright, orange ear plugs and gleaming retainers made you look more beautiful than ever. I then went to sleep...only two inches away from you, yet two inches too far.
Dining Hall
Posted at 2009-12-09 00:10:58, M spotting F
I saw you... at breakfast with the same guy two days in a row. Your smile had me from day one but I guess his smile has you.
okay, i made it to 501 to 510, of 731 posts. enough procrastinating.
and lastly, this one made me crack up.
Alaska
Posted at 2009-12-09 20:07:23, F spotting F
I saw you... Russia.
words are beautiful.
people are complaining because they find it stalkerish and creepy.
but me? not at all!
unlike the FML website we have for my school,
this one allows the anonymous writer more creative freedom, and it's not just incessant bitching.
some of these are really poetic, and most of them are about love and unrequited love and there's really nothing more poetic than that.
of course, i'm a sucker for this website. i've been addicted since it's inception. i think maybe i was written about once, by the cute guy i sent the drunk message to. maybe it was him. it was obviously either me or two other girls because we're the only ones in my college who do what was stated. (i'm not getting specific; i enjoy my anonymity too) but then it said, after listing the telltale activity i'm involved in, "you're super cute. i may not have more feelings for you, but i just wanted to let you know-i saw you."
which if it is from him, it makes me swoon a little bit. if it's not, then i'm still sort of swooning. idk. =D
so as a homage to this new fantastic obsession of mine, i'm going to list a few of my favorite anonymous bits of poetry that have graced said website. enjoy! there are poets among us!
Somewhere out there
Posted at 2009-12-09 23:02:22, M spotting F
I saw you... never in my life. I want you without knowing you and I need you for my life to be worth living. Find me when I least expect you. Let my awkward soul breathe easily in your embrace.
****
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:56:29, F spotting M
I saw you... for the first time in senior year high school, and you had me from hello. Although we've been through some rough times in our relationship over the years, I have a feeling that everything is going to turn out all right for us.
Around BLANK & BLANK, I think
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:56:21, M spotting F
I saw you once, in just the right light, as I'd never seen you before... and things were never the same for me after that. I saw you smile, and all the psychological armor I've spent years building up suddenly dissipated into nowhere, inexplicably. I don't even feel the way I did anymore, but I remember the feeling, and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if you had accepted, to be with you, to have my guard forced down all the time, to be able to achieve that state of bliss I've rarely ever known. ...Then again, I still see you, fairly often, and sometimes I think I may have dodged a bullet.
BLANK
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:30:56, F spotting M
I saw you...struggling to walk up the stairs after a round of chemo. You are the strongest person I know, and you have the heart of an angel. What's beautiful is that you don't even know it. You deserved the Rhodes, it's their loss.
Labs
Posted at 2009-12-09 17:22:33, M spotting F
I saw you... Across the hall from me at my lab. I knew I wanted you the first time I saw you. Your black braids with streaks of brown, like coffee right after it's been introduced to milk, but before it's mixed in. Your eyes so big that Atlas himself would balk at holding them. Your skin softer than the fur of an animal that your name rhymes with. Your physique would make Athena jealous. Luckily you and I are more real than any myths.
in the snow
Posted at 2009-12-09 13:55:15, M spotting F
I saw you... On the wintery banks, your freckles illuminated by the snowy sun. You pale eyes gleamed back and the bricked buildings surrounding you... you keep me ever so faithful...
DHall
Posted at 2009-12-09 13:18:39, M spotting F
I saw you... walking into the dining hall, still looking like the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. When I see you, everything is right with the world. Your hair shimmers like golden flax. We lock eyes from across the room. When am I ever going to muster the courage to speak to you?
BLANK
Posted at 2009-12-09 04:02:32, F spotting F
I saw you...this morning in our room; I woke up to the elegant image of you quietly slipping on a flowery dress. Your fiery red curls sear into my mind an eternal picture of a woman I will never forget. We are eons apart---me in the library right now, and you probably sleeping in our room, as you somehow manage a consistent sleep schedule in this crazy, crazy world we live in. Yes, we do share cigarettes, dreams, and dresses. But let's share more time. Roommate, confidant, I miss you, lady!
Our Bed
Posted at 2009-12-09 03:04:30, M spotting F
I saw you, over three years ago, sitting next to me in a freshman week lecture, and neither of us said a word -- but I know you were thinking what I was thinking... Then I saw you from a distance, again and again, always from a distance, and wondered if you ever noticed, and if your jerk boyfriend would just disappear. Turns out you did, and he did -- it took us forever to come clean, but now I see you every day and every night. You're flawless. I'm so lucky.
Dreams and Reality
Posted at 2009-12-09 02:39:08, M spotting F
I saw you... on the train. No one else mattered. I followed you... to the square. I was nervous. I walked... around the stores. I couldn't buy you anything. I knew... that we were different. I tried not to care. I wondered... if you thought about me. I knew you did. I regretted... my timidity. I hope I change.
BLANK
Posted at 2009-12-09 02:02:42, M spotting F
I saw you... in my bed, as you looked at me with a question that you know I could not answer. Your smile belies the pain sitting behind your eyes, those baby worlds containing the untold secrets I'll never get to keep. Your hand slides down my back with a familiarity that is immediate, two strangers in an unforeseeable fate, unaware of the path we make.
^^my favorite! *swwooooooooonnnn*
Our room
Posted at 2009-12-09 00:27:55, F spotting F
I saw you...sleeping in your bed, which is conveniently located next to mine. You were breathing heavily because cold weather makes you stuffy. Your bright, orange ear plugs and gleaming retainers made you look more beautiful than ever. I then went to sleep...only two inches away from you, yet two inches too far.
Dining Hall
Posted at 2009-12-09 00:10:58, M spotting F
I saw you... at breakfast with the same guy two days in a row. Your smile had me from day one but I guess his smile has you.
okay, i made it to 501 to 510, of 731 posts. enough procrastinating.
and lastly, this one made me crack up.
Alaska
Posted at 2009-12-09 20:07:23, F spotting F
I saw you... Russia.
words are beautiful.
