keys to the ivy league

Let's sail away
Find our own country
We'll build a house and beds out of palm trees
Let's get away
Let's push our lives aside

I'll sport a smile
Take in some color
Under the stars
I'll be your lover
With no distractions I'm gonna treat you right

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

Let's go to bed
Let's stop debating
Look at the time
We're always waiting
But we're in love
And that should be just fine

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

And if you like (and if you like)
and if you like some other time
I would like to introduce you to the finer things
If we survive (if we survive)
If we survive, get out alive
I'd like to say how beautiful I think you are...

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

i can't help but wonder if you could have been the one. it's been 4 years now since we dated, but i still find myself listening to the songs you gave me over and over again, trying to imagine what could have been. the songs, like this one, still hit me. i don't understand why. you were just a meaningless three week boyfriend at the time, before i learned how to love. why do i still think of you? you're shipping off to afghanistan next month, and though i know it is horrible, i can't help but think that i'll never get to see you or talk with you again. it scares me. what if i missed out? you had loved me before i was ready for someone to love me. you had loved me so completely, and you had waited for me. i crushed you. i still don't forgive myself for what i did to you. i was horrible. then you found someone new. she was perfect for you, and you were perfect for her. you are still together today. it's kind of crazy how that happened. if you treat her even half as well as you had treated me, she's a very very lucky girl. i wish i hadn't shunned you. i wish i had taken you in, broken and messed up as you were, and kept you around. guys like you are so hard to find. i can only hope to be lucky enough to find another one, and to know enough to keep him around.
"we should get jerseys, cause we make a good team.
but yours would look better than mine, cause you're outta my league."
i miss you.

while i'm brooding in the past, the present is still happening.
i don't really know what i'm doing.
i don't really know if i actually like this new guy of mine.
but he is very cute.
very my type.
he wears hats.
has tattoos.
lip ring.
plays video games.
likes the same kind of rock music.
and he really likes me.
i'm not sure if he likes me more than on a physical/sexual attraction basis.
and i'm not sure if i like him more than that either.
but right now, it's summer.
i need to stop worrying about things like long lost ex-boyfriends and whether or not anything will come out of my new fling.
i even am starting to think i've become heartless.
i don't "LIKE like" anyone.
no one at all.
and i'm confused.
i've always liked someone.
but for what i'm feeling is the first time in my life, i am not truly interested in anyone, nor am i sure that i want to be.
i'm beginning to see men as simply tools to satisfy my desires,
and that's it.
i manipulate their feelings, their emotions, fully aware of what i'm doing as i'm doing it.
i control them, have power over them, and use it to my advantage.
they're becoming means to an end, and not just ends as they once were to me.
it feels as though i may have lost the ability to connect more than that.
the ability to fall for someone.
i hope this is only temporary.
i hope that my breakup and it's aftermath did not scar me for the rest of my life.
i hope that i still have a heart.
that i'm not just the manipulative, faking person i've been acting as.
i hope that i can still fall in love.
please oh please let that part of me still be whole.
i'm a little scared.
okay, a lot scared.
let's see how this boy goes.


in the meantime, can you help me find my heart?

this one is far too fitting for this post: