keys to the ivy league

we're not invincible.
we can get bruises,
we can bleed,
and we can get hurt,
just as easily as everyone else.

i like to think of myself as invincible. nothing can dent me, smudge me, offend me, harm me.
i'm going to live forever, and i'll never get caught.
sadly that's not true.
i will say that it takes a lot to hurt me. i've got a hard exterior. it's extremely hard to penetrate me. (hahahaha pun intended and relevant)
but when i do get hurt, i get HURT. with capital letters and you know that i hate capital letters.
well, i'm hurt.
and it's my fault too.
i literally asked for it.
"what do you think of me?"
but i asked the wrong person. i knew, i KNEW that i was not going to like what i heard. i knew that there was no way it could be a good thing.
but, as i said, i was invincible.
i figured, what harm could it do?
granted i was drunk,
but what harm could it do,
asking the one guy completely wrong for me,
the one guy who is opposite of everything i believe in,
the one guy who i've been somewhat fascinated with since i met him,
until it eventually became sort of a crush, an attraction,
which wasn't good so i tried to get rid of it by forcing myself to become attracted to others,
which didn't work.
what harm could it do?
turns out, a lot.


whore.

it isn't the first time i've been called a whore.
let's remember the last person who called me a whore.
oh yeah, my exboyfriend. when he knew, he KNEW i was suffering. he added insult to injury; he intended for it to wound and to scar. malicious.
this time, it wasn't intended to hurt. it was intended to be truthful. to be upfront.
and that sucks.
he might not have even used the word "whore". but that's all that i heard.

whore whore whore whore whore.
whore whore whore whore whore.

the thing is, i don't think i'm a whore. i really don't. i don't think that what i do is wrong. maybe i'm flawed, maybe i'm messed up, maybe my thoughts are jumbled, or maybe i'm just plain more fucked up than everyone else.

it just hurts to know that he sees me like that. the one person who i want to like me, to approve of me, to respect me...doesn't. i'm not even talking on a more than friends sort of expectation here. i'm simply talking on the basic personal level. platonic. he didn't even mean to hurt me, and i think he felt bad. but just...arg. i so desperately seek his approval, his okay. i told you, he fascinates me. he fascinated me before i became attracted to him. i don't like the way he sees me, and it hurts.

it's funny what i do when i'm drunk. whenever i see him, i apologize. like a hundred times. for every little thing. he makes me feel so guilty for drinking, or smoking, or doing anything deemed "wrong" and it's hilarious. he doesn't say or do anything, but his presence makes me feel as though i'm being judged by a higher power, and i just apologize and feel bad.


ugh.
exam time is no fun. everyone is studying for their exams, and i'm here alone, trying to pack, but i'm distracted, and i can't focus, and i'm sad. i'm sad. i'm lonely. i just watched new moon and that didn't help and i swear i'm not a twilight preteen, i just like the cinematography. i thought it'd be a good temporary escape (and that boy's muscles were fantastic, just saying) but it only made me more sad.

i talked to my ex boyfriend two nights ago, actually the night this event happened, after i left the room and was really upset. on the phone. until like 5am. how did this happen? well, one night last week i responded to his desperate original apology email. i deemed myself stable enough to respond, and i realized that i wasn't going to make any dumb mistakes but i did have certain unresolved issues that needed clarification. a few emails were interchanged and we agreed to talk to clarify things and give reasons for our actions. time can be a good thing. hate subsides, people learn. minds clear and rationalize. i realized last week that my hate had evaporated. i mean, it's not like there's any romantic feelings left towards him, and it's not like we're going to be good friends, but i felt that i could handle talking rationally and maturely with him. so i decided it was an alright time to talk. so talk we did.
i got out of him why he broke it off with me, why he sent those horrible texts, why he dated the 12 year old, why they broke up, and anything else left unanswered. it gave me a conclusion. i liked it. he was also a wreck, while i was calm and composed. he kept going on about how much he missed me, and how he wants to be friends first, and maybe maybe someday we can consider dating again. while he was talking, i was thinking to myself...not going to happen. i have no remaining feelings for him. and i'm positive about this. i know now that i can do better. but the fact that he was practically groveling over me, begging me to come back and see him and hang out with him and such, it put ME in the place of power, which in our relationship was a spot that he held. i now have the power to decide whether or not i want to see him, whether i want to befriend him, and the power to reject him. before, i was such a peon. like, he literally controlled my friends, my moods, my actions. and him breaking up with me showed just how much power he had had. now that the roles are reversed, i feel good.

like, power. power is good.
that's why i hook up with guys, that's why i sleep with guys, that's why i flirt with guys i have no desire to sleep with. they want something out of me, and i have the power to decide whether or not i'm going to give them anything
and getting off the phone last night, feeling how much power i had over him, not feeling like OMG I'M GOING TO GET BACK WITH HIM! OMG HE STILL LOVES ME! blahblah! makes me realize that i really have grown up from it.
it honestly felt great

summer will be good for me. i'll get away from the fascinating boy, but i'll also return to the exboyfriend. i'm still a little scared of weakness. he's all that i know; it's so comfortable. but i can't go back, especially after i've come so far. i just need a solitary escape from everyone and everything. to fix my body, my fat, globulous, thing that isn't me. i look into a mirror, and i see someone else and i hate that. i hate it so much. i've become a monster, both inside and out. this summer, i'm going to try and get rid of my monsters.

but i'm not invincible. no matter how much power i can suck out of others, i can always be cut right back down off of my pedestal by someone who means something to me. my exboyfriend meant something to me, and so did this boy, even ignoring the attraction.

i've never felt so ugly and powerless. powerless and ugly.