keys to the ivy league

and i feel like i have no one to talk to. i feel very alone. i don't normally feel this way, but today I do.
i know i have good friends, good people. i don't know what i'm looking for today. i just, i'm not the person that i want to be, and everytime i remember this, i hit a low.

i don't know what i'm doing.
i said to avo, i'm lonely in the way that matters. it's very true. i feel just empty a lot of the time. i have sex with and hook up with a lot of people. it's just my kind of fun, because temporarily, i'm a little less lonely, and it's the only thing i think i'm actually good at. as my 365 reasons to have sex calendar says for today, "sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."-woody allen.
i agree 100%. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm a slut. it will limit future dating prospects. i accept that. but, if i ever do find someone that rids me of my loneliness, he'll have to accept me for who i am, baggage and all.

idk i'm just ranting right now. i know i'm still in the process of recovery, and times like now are normal, but that doesn't keep them from sucking. they still feel as hopeless as i used to feel everyday. it's soul sucking. i feel heavy and empty at the same time.

i don't know why i don't feel empathy. i'm a horrible person sometimes. like, when i'm down and out, my friends are always there for me, and i somewhat expect them to help me out. but when they're down, i feel zero empathy. it baffles me, because i like to think of myself as a good person, and good people are sympathetic. i've never really been able to feel true empathy now that i think about it. it's like i'm missing that gene, and the one that provides you with comforting instincts because i have zero of that too. it's so strange. and i use people. i use people a lot. i'm truly a very selfish person. it's somewhat sickly. 

right now i just want to get into a car and drive into the country until i can't see houses anymore. i just want to hear silence. i want to escape.


And my head told my heart
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no.