keys to the ivy league

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

—	Jim Butcher

i haven't been on this since april, mostly because i've been branching out my online social media expertise to twitter and tumblr, but i felt i had to return back to this blog for this portion of my life.

i remember azalea telling me i should blog about the happy times too, so when things are bad, i can always look back and remember when they were good. well normally, when things are good, i'm too busy being happy to come to this blog and write about how happy i am. :P

i figured that finally things are right. i am so happy. i haven't been this happy in... i really don't remember when i was this happy. i've been in this funk for over two years now. finally, the fog has lifted and i didn't even know it was there in the first place. ryan keeps telling me that my smile is the most amazing thing in the world. the thing is, i haven't smiled like this in so long.


right now the boy's at work so i have time to come on here and blog. last night was amazing. we went to see my friend's band play in tampa, then went to my friend's apartment for the afterparty. ryan got to meet my dudebros and they all got along with each other, which made me happy. my two close girlfriends approved of him wholeheartedly, which was also awesome. i've never dated anyone my friends approved of, no lie. this is a first.

ryan seems to be a lot of firsts for me so far, lol. but let's not go there... ;)

so afterwards we drove home from tampa with this little jitterbug at like 4am. i snuck into his room and crashed at his place since my parents weren't expecting me home last night. it was fantastic to spend the night with him. i really like him. he's so very genuine and he's actually a good guy. he makes me very, very happy. i'm sorry that's all i can keep saying lol.

so yeah, life is beyond amazing right now. as long as we keep living in the moment, it'll be okay.

see, things do get good sometimes. <3

and watch movies with. i think that that may be part of the only reason why i want a boyfriend. lord knows i love my freedom and hooking up too much, but nights like tonight? i'd like a partner in crime. we could cuddle up and drink and watch movies, then end the night with some lovely sex and go to bed together and wake up and grab some breakfast and start our weekend.


i want that. really fucking bad. what am i doing wrong?

once again, i'm waiting for you to get out of the fucking shower.
so much for being at work by ten a.m.! thanks!
super appreciate it!

maybe.
maybe this me feeling down thing is all a ruse. just an unconscious procrastination tool.
but it is bugging me. i'm getting the lonely spells again and they are just not fun.
it doesn't help that i feel like a fat cow.
idk. i just want to improve myself but i don't have the time.
or is that an excuse? i can't even tell.

just go with the flow, keys. stop worrying about how others perceive you. just focus on yourself.
why is that so damn hard?

i just keep wondering if i fucked up with this guy. and it's bugging me. i know i should just let things go and stop worrying but i can't.

i am just down and paper writing makes me more down and that is all.

i meannnnn, am i?


yeahhhhhhh.

are you a dick who led me on bad, and did i cry over you?


yeahhhhhhh.



fuck you. fuck you for being cute. fuck you for talking to me today when you should have just let me be. fuck you fuck you fuck you.


i think i just miss thinking that i have a chance with someone. =/

and i feel like i have no one to talk to. i feel very alone. i don't normally feel this way, but today I do.
i know i have good friends, good people. i don't know what i'm looking for today. i just, i'm not the person that i want to be, and everytime i remember this, i hit a low.

i don't know what i'm doing.
i said to avo, i'm lonely in the way that matters. it's very true. i feel just empty a lot of the time. i have sex with and hook up with a lot of people. it's just my kind of fun, because temporarily, i'm a little less lonely, and it's the only thing i think i'm actually good at. as my 365 reasons to have sex calendar says for today, "sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."-woody allen.
i agree 100%. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm a slut. it will limit future dating prospects. i accept that. but, if i ever do find someone that rids me of my loneliness, he'll have to accept me for who i am, baggage and all.

idk i'm just ranting right now. i know i'm still in the process of recovery, and times like now are normal, but that doesn't keep them from sucking. they still feel as hopeless as i used to feel everyday. it's soul sucking. i feel heavy and empty at the same time.

i don't know why i don't feel empathy. i'm a horrible person sometimes. like, when i'm down and out, my friends are always there for me, and i somewhat expect them to help me out. but when they're down, i feel zero empathy. it baffles me, because i like to think of myself as a good person, and good people are sympathetic. i've never really been able to feel true empathy now that i think about it. it's like i'm missing that gene, and the one that provides you with comforting instincts because i have zero of that too. it's so strange. and i use people. i use people a lot. i'm truly a very selfish person. it's somewhat sickly. 

right now i just want to get into a car and drive into the country until i can't see houses anymore. i just want to hear silence. i want to escape.


And my head told my heart
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no.