keys to the ivy league

pain.

2011-07-22T19:23:00.002-04:00

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

—	Jim Butcher

a happy post.

2011-06-27T15:58:00.000-04:00

i haven't been on this since april, mostly because i've been branching out my online social media expertise to twitter and tumblr, but i felt i had to return back to this blog for this portion of my life.

i remember azalea telling me i should blog about the happy times too, so when things are bad, i can always look back and remember when they were good. well normally, when things are good, i'm too busy being happy to come to this blog and write about how happy i am. :P

i figured that finally things are right. i am so happy. i haven't been this happy in... i really don't remember when i was this happy. i've been in this funk for over two years now. finally, the fog has lifted and i didn't even know it was there in the first place. ryan keeps telling me that my smile is the most amazing thing in the world. the thing is, i haven't smiled like this in so long.

right now the boy's at work so i have time to come on here and blog. last night was amazing. we went to see my friend's band play in tampa, then went to my friend's apartment for the afterparty. ryan got to meet my dudebros and they all got along with each other, which made me happy. my two close girlfriends approved of him wholeheartedly, which was also awesome. i've never dated anyone my friends approved of, no lie. this is a first.

ryan seems to be a lot of firsts for me so far, lol. but let's not go there... ;)

so afterwards we drove home from tampa with this little jitterbug at like 4am. i snuck into his room and crashed at his place since my parents weren't expecting me home last night. it was fantastic to spend the night with him. i really like him. he's so very genuine and he's actually a good guy. he makes me very, very happy. i'm sorry that's all i can keep saying lol.

so yeah, life is beyond amazing right now. as long as we keep living in the moment, it'll be okay.

see, things do get good sometimes. <3

some nights, i just want someone to cuddle with.

2011-04-23T00:36:00.002-04:00

and watch movies with. i think that that may be part of the only reason why i want a boyfriend. lord knows i love my freedom and hooking up too much, but nights like tonight? i'd like a partner in crime. we could cuddle up and drink and watch movies, then end the night with some lovely sex and go to bed together and wake up and grab some breakfast and start our weekend.

i want that. really fucking bad. what am i doing wrong?

hey look!

2011-04-15T09:27:00.002-04:00

once again, i'm waiting for you to get out of the fucking shower.
so much for being at work by ten a.m.! thanks!
super appreciate it!

am i writing this to procrastinate?

2011-04-12T20:25:00.000-04:00

maybe.
maybe this me feeling down thing is all a ruse. just an unconscious procrastination tool.
but it is bugging me. i'm getting the lonely spells again and they are just not fun.
it doesn't help that i feel like a fat cow.
idk. i just want to improve myself but i don't have the time.
or is that an excuse? i can't even tell.

just go with the flow, keys. stop worrying about how others perceive you. just focus on yourself.
why is that so damn hard?

i just keep wondering if i fucked up with this guy. and it's bugging me. i know i should just let things go and stop worrying but i can't.

i am just down and paper writing makes me more down and that is all.

am i still attracted to you?

2011-03-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

i meannnnn, am i?

yeahhhhhhh.

are you a dick who led me on bad, and did i cry over you?

yeahhhhhhh.

fuck you. fuck you for being cute. fuck you for talking to me today when you should have just let me be. fuck you fuck you fuck you.

i think i just miss thinking that i have a chance with someone. =/

i'm sad today.

2011-03-06T15:05:00.001-05:00

and i feel like i have no one to talk to. i feel very alone. i don't normally feel this way, but today I do.
i know i have good friends, good people. i don't know what i'm looking for today. i just, i'm not the person that i want to be, and everytime i remember this, i hit a low.

i don't know what i'm doing.
i said to avo, i'm lonely in the way that matters. it's very true. i feel just empty a lot of the time. i have sex with and hook up with a lot of people. it's just my kind of fun, because temporarily, i'm a little less lonely, and it's the only thing i think i'm actually good at. as my 365 reasons to have sex calendar says for today, "sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."-woody allen.
i agree 100%. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm a slut. it will limit future dating prospects. i accept that. but, if i ever do find someone that rids me of my loneliness, he'll have to accept me for who i am, baggage and all.

idk i'm just ranting right now. i know i'm still in the process of recovery, and times like now are normal, but that doesn't keep them from sucking. they still feel as hopeless as i used to feel everyday. it's soul sucking. i feel heavy and empty at the same time.

i don't know why i don't feel empathy. i'm a horrible person sometimes. like, when i'm down and out, my friends are always there for me, and i somewhat expect them to help me out. but when they're down, i feel zero empathy. it baffles me, because i like to think of myself as a good person, and good people are sympathetic. i've never really been able to feel true empathy now that i think about it. it's like i'm missing that gene, and the one that provides you with comforting instincts because i have zero of that too. it's so strange. and i use people. i use people a lot. i'm truly a very selfish person. it's somewhat sickly.

right now i just want to get into a car and drive into the country until i can't see houses anymore. i just want to hear silence. i want to escape.

And my head told my heart
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no.

this is the lowest low

2011-02-13T11:51:00.002-05:00

that i've felt in awhile.

i hate this.

one year later, and no better off. god fucking damnit.

2011-02-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

darling, i'm not doing well right now.
i skipped my pills for two days because i only have two left and i know that i'm going to need them for saturday and sunday because i'm going to need all the help i can get this valentine's day weekend. and i can't see the doctor and get a refill until monday.

i hate valentine's day. :'(

listen here boys. take heed.

2011-02-02T00:49:00.001-05:00

if you are just after a girl to be a hookup buddy, then don't talk to her. i don't mean be a mute and communicate only with your penis, but i mean, there are certain types of conversations you shouldn't be having with a girl you just want to fuck. like your past. or your parents. or your high school. or your broken bones. these kind of conversations confuse girls. they confuse them a lot because then the girls don't know if you just want sex or actually want to get to know them. and if you actually want to get to know us, then we think there's a chance you may be interested in us. and then we get all confused because we don't want to just ask you whether or not you like us personally or simply just physically, because asking that could ruin anything that may come out of the relationship on either end. so just skip all the bullshit.
if you want to fuck us, just stick to that.
if you like us, then the stories of your life can start to come out.
don't be sending the wrong signals. it makes life simpler in the end.

but really now. rawr.

i'm killing the men of my middle school love life.

2011-01-31T23:05:00.001-05:00

first is was my first major crush. it was sixth grade. he dropped his pencil, i picked it up for him. the rest was history. he didn't like me though, he liked megan. but i was smitten. i even sang a song about him. scott died while we were still in high school.

then it was josh. every year during middle school i'd run into josh at the fair. josh was always nice to me, even if i wasn't a cool kid. he even sat next to me on one of those spinny rides where you get super close to the person next to you. we joked about it. and he was cute. and i think he may have been interested in me, but again, i wasn't popular. he was. i was shy. it never amounted to anything, but he died just last year.

now it's vincent. vincent was my first ever boyfriend. i met him at the ymca. we played pool and snuck online together. he wrote me notes and would make silly faces at me while i was in acting class. he even got into a fight with me once outside the ymca when another guy called me names after i rejected him. he introduced me to cute words and reciprocated puppy love, and though his life took him along the wrong path i still thank him for that. he died today, supposedly by shooting himself but not intending to.

rest in peace.

that last post sounded really pathetic.

2011-01-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

here's a picture.

it's my favorite painting. hope is: wanting to pull clouds by sigmar polke.

everyone is getting into a relationship.

2011-01-31T19:57:00.000-05:00

like seriously, everyone.
my roommate and best friend (with another close friend so that counts as two), most of my close friends back home, my favorite fuck buddy from back home, my ex-boyfriend. everyone. everyone but me. and valentine's day is coming up and you know how badly my valentines days have been. the forecast for this year isn't looking much better. and now, as i type this, i'm getting lectured from my favorite fuck buddy friend with benefits from back home who happens to be one of my closest friends from back home on how i shouldn't sleep with guys i like.

like fuck man. and my ex is dating a girl born in 1994. that means she is 16 turning 17 this year. he's 20. that's fucking disgusting. but hey, it's a freaking relationship. something i've only had one of. i'm losing it. i'm losing the memory of what it feels like. and that's terrible.

i don't know how to talk to guys. i don't know how to date guys. i only know hooking up. i only know sex. when did i become that girl?

i'm so damn lonely again. ksdfjskdjghakjdghakd.

i don't like not having control.

2010-12-29T12:07:00.000-05:00

i don't like not having control.
i don't like feeling things and not having control over why i'm feeling them.
it's terrifying to think something other than my mind is in control.
i don't like being dependent on these little white capsules.
i don't like the lows, oh i really don't like the lows.
i don't like breaking down.

what the fuck happened to my brain this year,
and will i ever be normal again?
is there such a thing as normal?

everything about this place reminds me of that one time i was in love with you...

2010-12-24T20:50:00.000-05:00

and it hurts to see you now, see how much of a failure you are. it's hard to connect my memories with the person i see in front of me, the person that fell in love with someone else.

i'm a good person, you know? i wish i could feel strongly for someone again. sometimes, i get bursts of affection for people, usually those of my past. but those feelings aren’t real. i feel like none of mine are. it’s either that or i’ve done such a good job at suppressing them. i don’t know. i guess, i’m waiting for someone to make me feel something.
i really don’t know. i listen to all these songs i used to relate to. i used to think i felt that way. and now i can only wish i felt that way.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

2010-11-18T01:56:00.000-05:00

that statement has never been more true for me.

i feel very lonely tonight.

"I destroy the drawers of the brain, and those of social organisation: to sow demoralisation everywhere, and throw heaven's hand into hell, hell's eyes into heaven, to reinstate the fertile wheel of a universal circus in the Powers of reality, and the fantasy of every individual."

2010-10-20T16:59:00.001-04:00

the light glistens on the river,
sparkling as the water moves with the wind that gently rustles your hair,
nuzzled up on someone's shoulder,
hearing the sounds of a man sitting on the bridge,
playing a slow, mournful tune on his guitar
both reading the dada manifesto,
you can almost feel like you're home.

sometimes things just feel perfect. comfortable. lovely. beautiful.
the worst part is that they don't last very long.

some days, the world is a wonderful place and you're happy.
but then, tomorrow could ruin your high,
and it sucks, you know?
i just don't want to struggle anymore.
i just want things to fall into place again like they did on the river.
i want to be happy with myself.
i am really tired of feeling like i'm not good enough,
and it's really starting to wear me down.

there's only one instant, and it's right now. and it's eternity.

2010-10-15T00:54:00.000-04:00

it's been so long since i've felt a heartbeat, i've almost forgotten the sensation.
the soft thundering percussion of nerves,
that you both hear and feel, as your heart matches its beat,
trying but never quite achieving synchronization.
i forgot the tickle of a soft fingertip, tracing from my hand to my waist and again back up my spine,
those goosebumps have long been forgotten, until now.
or the way that two bodies are able to fit within each other as if they were made to,
or what it felt like to smile and kiss at the same time.

i am happy.
i am so happy.
azalea told me that i needed to write something that was more in the moment, instead of dwelling on the past and the future like i usually do. (maybe i'm an escapist too?)
well here azalea.
i am so happy.
right now.
this instant.
the present.
me.
happy.

i've found someone that i really like.
i like both talking to him and kissing him, and boys like that are hard to find these days.
especially boys like that who like you too.
the day i finally decide to give up chasing unattainable desires is the same day i end up making out with what i was looking for all along, without trying to sound too hopeful about where this will lead.
irony, oh you're so silly.

Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?

this could be the start of something good.
but you know what?
i don't care.
right now,
right fucking now,
even though i have a response paper to write,
and class early in the morning,
i am happy.
it's been too long since i've been able to say that and feel that and know that.
i am happy,
and for now, that's all i need.
i don't want to be an ant.

massachusetts, rhode island, connecticut, new york, new jersey, pennsylvania, delaware, maryland, west virginia, virgina, north carolina, south carolina, georgia, florida.

2010-10-09T04:10:00.000-04:00

and you're still on my mind.
i tried and tried not to get my hopes up,
but i failed at that.
i think that this may be something good.
i'm excited.
i hope i'm right.
i've passed that point, you know?
there's that point, right before you get on the plane to skydive, where you're offered a chance to turn back and still get a refund, but the moment both of your feet step onto that plane, that's it. you're done. even if you decide not to go through with it and jump, you don't get a single dime back.
with that little deceiving manwhore freshman, i had one foot on the plane, stood there for awhile, but thought better of it and turned around and got my refund.
but with this one, we'll call him the radio boy, i've already gotten onto the plane.
i'm still waiting for him, the pilot, to start heading down the runway, so i know for sure that he's actually interested in me,
and then i have to decide if i'm even going to jump or not,
but either way, i'm not getting a refund.
i've passed that point where i could still walk away from this without a care in the world.
i'm over here all the way in florida, and he's occupying my thoughts.
he's not that cute; he's got kind of beady eyes, he's pretty small and skinny, he's got a twitchy sort of manner about him, and i can't even decide if i'm actually interested in him or not.
i think that's mostly because i'm trying to keep myself so guarded and so protected that i'm unwilling to consider putting out any sort of concrete feelings yet.
but i am thinking about him.
and i'm looking forward to having a movie night with him next week.
things are looking up.

now if only i could say the same about my classes. =[
i've never felt so much like giving up.
so much so that the thought of taking a semester off has actually crossed my mind multiple times.
if it wasn't for the friends i'd miss out on, or the fact that i don't know what i'd do with my semester off,
then i'd do it.
i don't know why i can't handle this.
maybe whoever first evaluated me was right. maybe i wasn't cut out for this kind of academia. maybe they shouldn't have given me a second chance, a second interview.
i know i know, supposedly everyone feels like this at some point while at harvard,
but i swear to god, i've never felt so incompetent before. i try and i try, i read and i read, i practice and i practice, but i just can't handle it. i "don't make the cut". i think i understand something well, but when it all comes down to it, it turns out i don't. and others make me aware of this. i'm almost afraid to ask anyone for help because i just always feel so dumb. i don't think they mean to make me feel dumb, but they do. they think things have a logical flow and are common sense, but to me they're not, and i'm sorry that they're not, but i can't help it. trust me, i wish i could. i wish i could grasp these concepts as easily as you do, but no matter how many times i read the damn chapter or look at the diagrams, i still can't master it. i think people are losing patience with me. i think they believe that i'm not putting in the effort, or that i'm not trying to learn the material. and that's why i never like asking for help in the first place. i hate feeling belittled or patronized, and asking someone for help automatically puts that person that you are asking on a pedestal and places you at their feet and i hate that. i never once asked for help in high school. not once. but here, i find myself in desperate need of help, and desperate times call for desperate measures. if i'm asking someone for help, it already means i'm desperate. i'm on my last limb. i wish people understood this.

i wish i was pulling better grades. i wish i understood things. i wish i could remember what i have to remember. i wish i could get a fucking A in a class. i feel like a failure for accepting c's. i'm also scared that i'm going to lose my scholarship. last semester, i tried to explain away my grades in hope that this year would be better, and it's not. i'm still barely making it. i don't think i can explain them away this time, and that's not good. maybe i'll even be forced to take a semester off because i won't be able to afford coming back. and that's scary.

i'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained at this point. this is by far the worst semester i've experienced so far, and the only thing pushing me through it is the belief that this will be the worst semester out of my entire four years here at harvard. once it's over, i'm done. i cannot take another semester like this one. after this is said and done, if spring is like this, i won't be able to make it. i'll tell you right now, if spring semester is going to be as draining as this current semester, then i will be taking a semester off. i cannot take this any longer. as it is, i don't know how i'm going to survive the next two months. i've made it two already, so i'm going to try. that's why i'm hoping this thing with radio boy turns out for the better. i think i could use something like that in my life and i think it would help me deal with everything and help make my semester from hell a little less torturous.

i guess we'll see how things turn out. so it goes.

girl, are you retarded?

2010-10-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

get your head out of the clouds.
we're on earth now.
we have midterms, homework, real life to deal with.
you're not a bird.
you can't just fly for the rest of your life.
i understand that everything seems so unimportant right now.
i understand that you feel a shift in your perspective, the way you look at the world.
but you can't just throw it all away just because you want to get high.
the only way you'll live the life you want is if you succeed and graduate from this university,
and that begins with this statistics midterm, and that italian essay.
it begins right now.
you can fly if you want to,
but you have to earn your wings first.

also,
i understand that you're letting your hopes take flight with your mind as you think about that boy who races cars.
don't.
tie those motherfucking hopes with a rope and pull them right back down.
remember what happened last time your hopes were up?
they were shot down like the ducks in that one nes game with the dog you really want to kill.
high hopes are not a good thing to have when you live on this little sleep and this much stress.
for an example, see the previous posts.
let matters dealing with the opposite sex or complicated feelings just float along.
maybe they'll eventually drop away and you'll never see them again,
or maybe they'll stick around and be your copilot,
but either way, live by a laissez-faire policy, and keep your arms and legs inside the flying vehicle at all times.

now get back to work, you lazy bum. the sky awaits your arrival.

alternative rock.

2010-10-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

isn't it crazy how a song can define a moment or a time period in your life?
just hearing it again floods your mind with memories, emotions, feelings, recollections.
it's insane.
almost like we can use songs to compartmentalize memories subconsciously.
you never know what a song will make you think of,
whether its kissing an ex in the rain, graduating from middle school, playing varsity tennis, experiencing a broken heart for the first time, or even something as trite as eating ramen noodles.
recently, the roomie and i had a nostalgia kick and listened to some old alt rock we used to love.
the things that came back to me were so weird.
i love love love the present, but i'm not going to lie, i sure as hell miss the past.

two days and i've not slept a wink,
these thoughts that i've been thinking.
this is the mark i aim to miss (again.)
you toss and turn, i lie awake.
who knows what i've been drinking?
another cheap, meaningless kiss (to give).
from the beginning,
dulled down and lost with all it's charm.
i just want to wake up, wake up in someone else's arms.

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I’m lost for you,
With every moment stays true.
I'd go as far as to say,
That I, miss you.
So far away,
I missed my one chance to say,
So long to memories of years that passed away.

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a word of it
You never did

She said, 'Alright, alright slow down'
Oh no, oh no we won't
Cause I regret everything that I said
To ever make her feel like she was something special
Or that she ever really mattered
Or did she ever really matter?

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say, we've had our fun

Will we make a mark this time
Will we always say we tried

We're standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

One boy, one girl, two hearts, their world
Time goes by, secrets rise
One more, sad song, tears shed, she's gone
She'd take it back, if she only could

And all the perfect words they seem so wrong,
She's gone
You wish that you could learn to see,
The door is closed and you wish you could be

Alone with you, alone with me
What can I do, I cannot breathe
My heart is torn, for all to see
Alone with you, alone with me.

Paper bags and plastic hearts
All are belongings in shopping carts
It's goodbye
But we got one more night
Let's get drunk and ride around
And make peace with an empty town
We can make it right

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
We'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think it's just cause we're young
And we'll feel so alive

Well, if they're making it, and you're pushing it,
And you're leading us along.
The hassle of all the screaming fits,
That panic makes remorse.

After all, what's the point? 'Cause levitation is possible.
If you're a fly; achieved & gone; there's time for bliss & so much more.
It's difficult, create a world; a special place of my design.
To never cope , or never care , just use the key
'Cause he's alone (the fear has become)
He's alone (the fear has become)

also, today feels like fall. it's my favorite season.
last fall was a difficult time for me.
i was in love. it was a great feeling. granted, the guy i was in love with was not the best person to be in love with, but at the time i was happy and that's all that matters. i don't regret it.
it was my first love, and last year, i spent $400 to come home to see him on our official 1 year anniversary. though he really disappointed me when i went home by not wanting to spend the night with me and not going through with getting a hotel room, the weekend still had its moments of being truly amazing. love can do that to you. leaving him again after the weekend was so tough. i cried. next sunday is my brother's wedding. it would have been our two years, had he not dumped me for someone in the same state as him. he was going to propose. i was going to say yes. i'm nineteen! i'm not ready to be committed to marrying someone! but i was going to go through with it, and you have no idea how excited i was. i dreamt of our house, our kitty, hell, even kids. sharing our lives together didn't scare me. and you know what, that's an amazing feeling. i can't even say that i'd be able to survive a life with my best friends right now. just comparing that to right now, it's insane how much can change in a year. now, i'm much wiser, much more experienced, but i'm so lonely. i'm jumping at any tiny opportunity or inkling that someone may be a potential relationship because i'm that desperate. i'm getting too hooked on meaningless kisses and manwhores and it's not healthy. why is it so hard to find someone here? i'm not going to ask, "what am i doing wrong?" because i really don't think this one is me. i think it's just our environment. so much weight is based on just one night that the majority is not ready to settle down. i don't know what to do and i don't know how not to feel so alone.

that same weekend i went home last fall was the weekend i got my tattoo with my then-best friend. this summer broke that relationship. she said things about me that friends should never say. it's so weird, she's here in boston right now living with her boyfriend and we don't even talk. we used to say how amazing it would be to live in boston together. it's really sad. i may try and talk to her again sometime soon. i think it's slightly childish that we haven't yet attempted to be civil with each other, and i'd have to say that's my fault. i was very hurt. normally i can't hold out on my anger for extended periods of time, so i'm surprised it lasted this long. i do miss her a lot, and i think it would be nice to have someone else in boston. we'll see what happens.

i think it's my turn for things to start going my way. i've been waiting in line for awhile.

we'll never find love around here, will we?

2010-09-26T13:53:00.000-04:00

so the freshman is probably a player.
got my hopes up for no good reason.
i'm just hopeless sometimes.
i want to care for someone.
i want someone there so much.
i miss having that stability in my life so bad.
i know that i'll never find it if i'm looking for it,
but i can't help it.
i think it'd be better if i had never been in a serious relationship,
and i didn't know what i was missing out on.
it sucks now, knowing what i had, how it felt.
will i get that again? or will i always be this fucking lonely?
i just don't know.
i'm latching onto these little glimmers of hope and then getting screwed over when they aren't what they appear to be.
i know i'm a good person.
i know i'd be a good girlfriend.
i don't think it's any fault of mine that i'm currently single.
so i just don't know what to do?
where's my luck?
when will things swing in my favor?
i miss kissing someone and meaning it.
and holding hands, and falling asleep together.
and idk, i just am sad.
i am very sad.

query?

2010-09-20T00:50:00.000-04:00

have i been giggling and giddy like a little girl all day?
mayyyyyyyybeeeee.

do i kinda sorta hope that something comes out of last night?
yes yes yes.

do i kinda sorta maybe iffy have a teensy tiny itsy bitsy crush on a really cute freshman who happens to have a really cute crinkly eyed smile and really nice shoulders?
XD

gobble gobble. oh noes.

"here we go again, i kinda wanna be more than friends." ;-)

yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!<3

forrealz.

oh baby. <3

but i also don't want to get my hopes up.

this is a predicament.

hm.

still. this is the best mood i've been in in a really really long time. <3

broke, frustrated, lonely, exhaust.

2010-09-13T01:53:00.000-04:00

welcome back to college.
no free time.
no relaxation.
stress up the ass.
failing my first italian assignment.
it's only the first week of classes.
do i already need to go see a tutor? really?
yes.
ridiculous.
i thought i'd be ahead of the game this semester.
how am i still so far behind it?

feelings like this are the reason why the thoughts of not-belonging occasionally pop into my head.
why do things seem easier for everyone else?

i just want to make something beautiful, goddamnit.
or jump out of a plane.
either one.

best friend, this one's for you.

2010-09-02T01:49:00.000-04:00

i'm begging you not to let him treat you the way he is.
it hurts me to hear of it.
you deserve the world, girl.
i love you. <3

it's my fuckingggg birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2010-08-28T02:03:00.000-04:00

fuckyeahbitchesssssssss.
i'ms so gone atm
never did a gone blogspot post durunk but this deserverocs it.
you know.
i'm naughtynineteen
i want my boy either from home or here but i got none to cuddle with me an this si sad.
just want to cuddle for real on my birthday
maybe a back massage too you know.
i like that.
but yeah
bday celebrate
fuck yes.
let's party.
take a shot for meeeee. <3

oh man, i'll regret that in the morning...

2010-08-22T05:56:00.000-04:00

but it's okay.
because it's better to be truthful than to leave things unsaid.

boston, i'm coming home. <3

i pack naked.

2010-08-20T12:37:00.002-04:00

XD

i'm gonna miss being able to roam about my house wearing nothing or mostly nothing.
lmfao.

p.s. though you're the same, you were right.

2010-08-18T01:34:00.001-04:00

i fall for people far too easily.
just looking back through my blog, it's obvious.
this is ridiculous.

you're just like the rest of them.

2010-08-18T01:31:00.000-04:00

i knew it.
i'm not what you're looking for, and you're not what i need.
thank you for showing me this tonight.
i may already have fallen in a little too deep,
and your touch is still electrifying,
but we just wouldn't work.
i'm glad i am able to see this ahead of time,
and that i won't be lowering myself or compromising anything for you.
i think that's a good sign.
i'm learning.
and i'm coming to terms with what i need,
and this time i'm not settling for anything less than i deserve,
because well,
i actually am realizing that i deserve a certain standard of quality, of trust, of respect.
i have worth.
and this is a new realization.

you're going to break my heart.

2010-08-16T01:28:00.000-04:00

and it's okay.
because i knew what i was getting myself into the moment i kissed you.
at that moment, i made a move. i crossed the line between good critical friends and lust-ridden hookups.
and now, i can't go back.
i am in love with you. honest to fucking god.
you've been there for me through everything, and you've heard all of my juicy stories, judged all of my potential and past mates, and you always remind me of my dreams.
i want you around.
but last night. i regret it. i really do.
i may have officially royally fucked up this time.
this could be the end.
as i said,
this could be the moment i realize that you're no better than those other guys you love to judge for me.
i may realize that you're the same asshole as my last ex.
and that will hurt me.
because i like to think that you're not like that. that you're the epitome of what i want in a man, and that we'll travel the world together, just you and i.
i'm just waiting on you to talk to me.
this was such a mistake.
i know there's no point even in hoping.
due to distance, there's no way we could even officially be together.

but i do want to know how you feel. and i want you to know that i love you. you're the biggest jerk i know and probably the most confusing and intriguing person i've ever met,
and i want you in my life.
you make me think my dreams are possible and i like that the most. <3

driving home at midnight on a wednesday night...

2010-08-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

with my newly installed radio blasting,
just me and the streetlights,
not another car in sight,
not a person on the streets,
no one can hear me scream along to the songs,
no one can turn their heads to the left at a red light and see me rocking out,
no one can judge the way i turn onto my street or the careless way i switch lanes.

it's freedom.
it's the one thing i can't get in the city.
one of the things i'll miss the most about my florida home.

and my jerk puppy of course. =P

-----------------------------------------------------------------

we lie so much in relationships.

2010-08-03T01:28:00.000-04:00

forever and a day.
always.
never forget.
until the end of time.
best thing that ever happened to me.
no one like you.
never felt this way before.
eternity isn't long enough.
you're the only one for me.
you are my life.

big fat bold faced lies. but we don't realize how stupid we sound and how much we're truly lying to ourselves until long after the relationship is dead and buried, when you read them and still feel a sting of hatred for letting yourself be lied to and for believing every word. you don't realize it until it's two months away from the date he was going to propose. you don't realize it until you realize how hard it is to find someone new that makes you feel the same way. you don't realize it until you realize that you are now damaged goods, and falling in love won't ever be that easy again. you don't realize it until you're ready to protect yourself.

and why the hell do i cry every time someone says they are proud of me? i bawl. i remember when my mom told me it for the first time just last year. i think my dad said so too in an email while i was at school. i broke down both times. i also remember breaking down when my ex told me he was, as well as when my brother told me he was. why does it affect me so much?
maybe i'm always looking for the approval i'll never get. especially with my parents. they never showed affection or love, and it seemed like no matter how good i was, i never did anything right and i was never good enough. could it be that those feelings have transferred over into all aspects of my life, so much so that when someone truthfully tells me that they're proud of me, i become so emotional and start crying? maybe. it makes sense. it's just sad.

22 lbs. to go until my second tattoo!!!

2010-07-28T13:01:00.000-04:00

i've lost 8 so far this summer.
i'm tan as fuck.
and i feel great!
WOOT!

<3

oh and this is the CUTEST THING EVER. i am in love with the guy who did this. it is PERFECT.

"alcoholic slut"

2010-07-25T02:45:00.002-04:00

oh i love it when my so-called best friends trash talk me in their sweet little hipster tumblrs.

fuck you.

oh heart of mine, you're so dumb.

2010-07-22T09:49:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a boy.
"I'm not looking for a relationship," said he.
"Long distance isn't for me."
He thought about considering a physical only relationship, but didn't want the tension and pressure of making it formalized.
"Whatever happens, happens," he told the girl.

Once upon a time, there was a girl.
She was silly, young, naive, much like most storybook girls.
Most importantly, she was dumb, or at least her heart was.
You see, she had met the boy in the time of year when the sun sparkles and dances off your hair, and the nights are filled with friends and carefree adventures.
Summertime always carries with it its own magic.
Once she noticed the boy, she couldn't get him out of her head. He was beautiful, funny, confident, rough.
And thus, the girl was transfixed.
Until one magical night when all of that changed.
For the first time, the boy showed an interest in the girl too!
They cuddled, kissed, and...well, you know.
It was mind-blowing,
and the girl was so euphoric that she did not stop smiling for four days!
However, people began asking her questions, which made her wonder, "What now?"
So she asked the boy. "What now, boy? Is there something more, could there be something more, or was it one time?"
The boy provided the answer that we began our little story with.
The girl knew what to expect, knew what his answer would be, but no matter how hard she tried not to get her hopes up, she was still a little sad.
The girl is a dreamer, and she couldn't help but have a little bit of hope that this mysterious tattooed boy was what she was looking for, the prince that would take away all of the hurt from her past, and let her believe in love again.
But she couldn't let any of this show.
Instead, she agreed with the boy. "A relationship would be pointless, you can't plan out hooking up, and let's just go with the flow."
Her heart felt ignored.
But her heart was so dumb!
She knew what she was getting into with this boy! Her heart promised her that it wouldn't become attached, wouldn't start falling for him, that it was simply casual and un-hindered by emotions other than lust.
Her heart's a fucking liar.

Nowadays the boy and girl talk about once a day online. They talk about frivolous things, like work and sickness and alcohol and friends. Really, all the girl's heart wants to do is beg for a chance and tell the boy how amazing he is. The girl can't let the heart do that so she just throws it back into its cage and locks the door. The heart's been there for awhile, but she had recently let it out on account of good behavior. Now she knows that was a mistake. It obviously wasn't ready to come out. Now she just walks past the cage and try to ignore the heart's cries and whimpers. Every now and then she'll get angry and yell back at it, "Get over it! Get over it!"

The girl will see the boy often, as they share the same group of friends. Now, all she can hope for is perhaps one more chance to kiss the boy again. That's all she's asking for. Just one more chance to feel his strong arm around her, his lips brushing hers, his breath against her cheek. Please oh please boy, just give her one more kiss before she goes away forever. She would have came back for you, but now, she just may never return. There's nothing here for her but old painful memories and crushed hopes.

"One last kiss (one last kiss),
Before I go (before I go)
Dry your tears (dry your tears)
It is time, to let you go.
One last kiss."

hold your head high, heavy heart.

someday i'll fly away.

Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
When I finally get it figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself.

last night was probably one of the best nights i've had in awhile. =D

2010-07-17T14:03:00.001-04:00

i love:
parties
alcohol
yager bombs (omg so good!)
cool guys
ratios in my favor
friends
beer pong
rum and cokes
and most importantly...

drop dead sexy italian boys with soul patch beards, beautiful muscles, and tattoos who you've been pining after for a few weeks that you finally finally hook up over the course of many hours until the sun comes up.

MY LIFE IS AWESOME!

i'm still euphoric. that boy is gorgeous, definitely the hottest guy i've ever even kissed. XD

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! =D =D =D =D

let's just hope it wasn't just a one time thing. ;-)

"You're a good guy. You're worth getting to know... in daylight."

2010-07-10T09:12:00.000-04:00

grey's anatomy quote.
it hit home with me.

my life has been so scrambled up this past week.
when's it my turn to have something good happen to me?
i've had nothing but disappointment and hurt recently.

"and i'm flawed, but i'm cleaning up so well."

i am cleaning up. so when is it worth it?

i would love to create organized image posts like avo...

2010-07-02T10:58:00.000-04:00

but frankly, i have far too many images saved on my computer to find any with a common theme.
randomness for the win.

i just feel like sharing some of my saved images today. no thoughts really. well, i mean, i have a thousand thoughts a second, but none concrete enough to type down.

i found another cute boy. he is actually intelligent (rare in my hometown) and interested in art history. is it weird that i find that indisputably sexy? probably. hopefully i'll be hanging with him on the 4th. fireworks and cute boys are probably my favorite combination. <3

cute songs. though i've never actually heard fuck a dog. what a weird inclusion.

sweet banksy tattoo.

inspirational.

dedicato ai miei due migliori amici, azalea e fana.

wicked donnie darko tat.

stencil-inspired black and red tattoo. i really love how this looks.

a good reminder to keep pushing, keep going, keep trying.

i could have written this. exactly my sentiments. <3

oh, you have no idea how much i long to feel like this again.

light painting.<3

lovelovelove.

we are all looking for someone to love.

2010-06-30T02:50:00.000-04:00

but why?
why does everyone feel like they need someone else?
why does everyone want to fall in love?
why does it feel like it's so necessary in our lives?
why does everything we do somehow relate to a potential partner?
why does our society revolve around relationships?
it's so easy to explain it away using human evolutionary biology.
OF COURSE our lives revolve around finding partners.
it's all about reproduction.
mating.
survival of the fittest.
continuing the species.
creating offspring that will produce offspring of their own.

but then...
what's the point of love?
i want so desperately to believe that there's more than just simple evolutionary genetics behind the things we do, the way we feel, the magic of loving and feeling loved.
there has to be more to it than just simply pairing up and producing fit offspring.
right?

i guess that's how religion is too.
it's the same debate.
science, evolution vs. belief in something more. something not so concrete. something indescribable, unexplainable. pure gut feeling. the fact that every particle of your body is screaming that there's more to it, there has to be.

do i believe in god?
ask me on any other day, and i would say no. i don't think i believe in god.
today, i will say that i don't know.
because honestly, that's the truth.
i don't know.
and you don't know.
we're all in the dark with this one.
most of us lean towards the only source of illumination, much like a moth to a flame.
our flame is the study of evolution, of creation, of particles and matter.
but just like in my heart,
not the anatomical one keeping me alive,
but the heart, the soul, (yes, i think i do believe in a soul)
just like i know there is something more than just our inborn desire to procreate,
i can't help but listen to my self, my spirit,
and hear that there is something more.
something greater than us, something beyond our reach, something that explains both the order and the chaos,
it may be a god, it may be an algorithm, it may be some entity that our minds cannot even begin to fathom,
but i feel it.
i want to believe that our essences, the world's essences and secrets, cannot all be explained away by science. that there is still part of us that will remain mysterious and powerful, and without that part, we would not be the same.
i want to believe it, because that's what my heart tells me to believe.

if you ask me tomorrow whether or not i believe in god,
i will still say no, i don't think i do.
i am a woman of science,
i follow the scientific method,
i like tangible evidence.
so far, science has given me that. god has not.
however, if you ask me whether or not i believe there exists a power, a greater entity, whether it be god or some other "thing" for lack of a better word, one we cannot describe, other than the fact that it is the force behind creation, behind what makes us human, what life is?
then i shall reply yes.
if you ask me why,
i will tell you to look within.
ask yourself,
what is your body telling you?
because that's what my soul tells me.
why do i believe there is more to us that cannot be explained through science?
well, because i believe in love, and my soul tells me so.

what am i doing wrong here?

2010-06-29T03:18:00.000-04:00

i love guys.
yes, in a heterosexual way, but that's not what i mean.
i love guys, as they are. with their boys, having fun, man talk, relaxing, playing video games, doing manly things, and being all around chill.
i've spent most of my life surrounded by mostly men, or boys really.
it started in 1st grade when i began playing hockey. i was one of the only females. it continued until today. i learned early that guys have far less baggage than the average woman, and they bring with them such an easy-going sense of fun. i find it much MUCH easier to get along with guys than I do with females. i always feel awkward around other girls, especially if they are much prettier than i am. i find it really hard to make female friends. i'm just more comfortable around guys. i've been called a dude, a bro, one of the guys. and no, before you say it, i'm not a lesbian. in any way, shape, or form. i just prefer male companionship to females. i've been wired that way for awhile.

unfortunately, let's just say i've lost a lot of friendships.

when i become friends with a guy or a group of guys, it's normally completely platonic. if i was interested in something more, or if i found them attractive, trust me, they'd know about it. and here's my problem. i'm starting to believe that it's ridiculously impossible for a guy and a girl to JUST be best friends. i've been proven wrong again and again and it's been so frustrating. in my case, it's normally never that i am the one that develops feelings, though it has happened once or twice. it just seems like every time i become close with a guy, you know, close enough to call him one of my best friends, close enough that we talk a lot and i'm comfortable telling him what's going on with me and sharing with him my problems, every time, he falls for me. what am i doing wrong here? i don't think i'm sending the "i totally dig you and want to date/fuck you" signals. i save those for when i mean them. but i must be doing something wrong for this to happen every fucking time i feel like i have a good guy friend. every goddamn time. i'm sick of it. my mom tells me that it's good, that i should try dating one of my friends. truth is, i don't want to. they normally have amazing personalities, but i'm NOT attracted to them. i don't want to date them; i just want a friend. here's what happens: i start talking to one of my guy acquaintances online, or in person or what not. we chat, hang out occasionally with groups. at some point, i find we're both online at strange times, and i feel comfortable actually having a legit conversation with them. that goes on, and eventually it's comfortable enough for us to hang out just by ourselves. and i love it. i have someone i can trust, and actually enjoy myself with. then, they do something to fuck up the entire system, like send you a weird leading on text, or try to hold your hand during a movie. and shit can never be the same. then i'm left feeling as if our entire ruse of a friendship was just him trying to be the best person he could be to either get in my pants or date me, and well, who is he really when he's not trying to impress me? did i ever really know him? once my amazing intuition picks up on any sort of vibes, i try and distance myself from that person as much as possible. i don't want to lead them on any more than i already didn't mean to, and to be honest, i am left feeling really fucking betrayed and lonely. you have no idea how many "best" friends i've had to drop from my close circle. it legitimately hurts to think about.

let's talk about today, shall we? here's an instance where my intuition wasn't really going off on this kid, but just enough to cause a little suspicion but not much. i gave him the benefit of the doubt, just like any other guy. (granted, my intuition has yet to be wrong.) this guy's really cool. we weren't close in high school, but we shared multiple groups of friends with each other and he was always around. over the course of the school year while i was at college, i'd find him to be online during all the fucked up times i was, so being the only two on, we'd chat. it started off with some "hey, what's up?" "how's college?" crap. then it got to more interesting and real conversations, which were always a welcome relief. i came back in january and we hung out with a group and it was great. we talked more second semester. then, i come back now for the summer, and i find him to be one of the only reliable people in this town, so he picks me up and we chill with his (also sort of my) friends. we do that, talk all the time. at this point, he knows a whole lot about me, and i know that i can trust him. one day, we're both bored so he invites me over to watch a movie. never having hung out with him where it was just us, i was nervous. i despise awkward silences, and i planned on their being many. to my surprise, there were none. everything was so comfortable and casual and i loved it. so we hung out a few more times, last night i went to go see his band play. the funny thing is, just yesterday i was talking to my mom about him. i was telling her what an amazing person and listener he is, and how there wasn't a single awkward moment at his house. so then today, i go to his house to chill and watch another movie. so we're sitting there, chilling on his bed exactly like last time when i see he has his left arm (the one near me) chilling in an awkward spot, palm up, as if wanting to hold my hand. my alarms were going off, but again, i thought there was a possibility he was just relaxing his arm weird. then, like 20 minutes into the movie, i feel his hand inching ever closer to me, until finally it rested on my leg. and i thought to myself a big giant FUCKKKKKKKK. more awkward and totally obvious things happened so i now know for a fact that he is interested in me. i made sure not to reciprocate any of it. i mean come on, the night ended with me having my arms folded and my legs indian-style. i don't think it is possible for me to look any more closed off. he didn't get the hint. i feel so jipped it's not even funny. THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

i just...i don't know. i'm so damn frustrated right now. i don't know what to do. i really feel like giving up trying to find a good guy friend who won't start liking me. i just want a bro. is that too much to ask for?

i'm pissed and sad and frustrated and i have no one to complain to online right now. this was probably the most middle-school-sounding entry on this blog but that's because it was straight "stream of consciousness".

arggggggg.

all your ways and all your thunder,
got me in a haze, running for cover,
where we gonna go from here?
where we gonna go from here?

i love boys with crinkly eyes.

2010-06-18T17:14:00.000-04:00

i'm such a sucker for them. my heart melts when i see them smile. here are some examples:

here's my personal favorite. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. especially in (500) days of summer. which is one of my favorite movies. he's absolutely adorable. i want a boy who smiles exactly like him. the entire movie, i was swooning. every time i've watched it. =P

and george clooney. beautiful.

josh hartnett

brad pitt:

orlando bloom:

leonardo dicaprio: (who still is equally attractive today, but i couldn't find a good photo of him smiling)

my favorite hockey player ever, paul kariya: <3

emile hirsch:

chad michael murray:

and james franco, whom i once had to envision naked to help me on my ap art history exam. (long story)

all in all, i think it's safe to say that the most attractive men have crinkly-eyed smiles. <3

it's also fitting that my favorite photo of my ex when we were going out was of him genuinely smiling at me, and of course, his eyes were all crinkled up. that's when he was the most beautiful to me.

ahh i'm swooning and romantic feeling today. =P <3

you are tired (i think)

2010-06-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

my mind, a thousand miles an hour...
-oh what am i doing? really?
-i don't want to lie anymore. after i get out of this lie, i'm never going to lie again. the guilt, my soul can't take it.
-i want to know how you feel about me. why haven't we talked? two day rule, right? it's been three. i'm paranoid. i hope i was more than that to you. you're beautiful. i've decided that yes! i do! i want to spend my summer nights with you, like you once said we would. i'm scared. is that gone?
-the hate was a coverup. i knew it all along.

-this juggling paranoia? oh i'm so tired. please come with me, and we'll leave it far away.

"I had failed. I learned a lot from that. I think it's important to have a good, hard failure when you're young."- W.D

2010-06-15T11:43:00.000-04:00

walt disney inspires me.

and if you like, some other time I would like to introduce you to the finer things.

2010-06-14T02:35:00.000-04:00

Let's sail away
Find our own country
We'll build a house and beds out of palm trees
Let's get away
Let's push our lives aside

I'll sport a smile
Take in some color
Under the stars
I'll be your lover
With no distractions I'm gonna treat you right

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

Let's go to bed
Let's stop debating
Look at the time
We're always waiting
But we're in love
And that should be just fine

Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break

Just keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

And if you like (and if you like)
and if you like some other time
I would like to introduce you to the finer things
If we survive (if we survive)
If we survive, get out alive
I'd like to say how beautiful I think you are...

Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away

i can't help but wonder if you could have been the one. it's been 4 years now since we dated, but i still find myself listening to the songs you gave me over and over again, trying to imagine what could have been. the songs, like this one, still hit me. i don't understand why. you were just a meaningless three week boyfriend at the time, before i learned how to love. why do i still think of you? you're shipping off to afghanistan next month, and though i know it is horrible, i can't help but think that i'll never get to see you or talk with you again. it scares me. what if i missed out? you had loved me before i was ready for someone to love me. you had loved me so completely, and you had waited for me. i crushed you. i still don't forgive myself for what i did to you. i was horrible. then you found someone new. she was perfect for you, and you were perfect for her. you are still together today. it's kind of crazy how that happened. if you treat her even half as well as you had treated me, she's a very very lucky girl. i wish i hadn't shunned you. i wish i had taken you in, broken and messed up as you were, and kept you around. guys like you are so hard to find. i can only hope to be lucky enough to find another one, and to know enough to keep him around.
"we should get jerseys, cause we make a good team.
but yours would look better than mine, cause you're outta my league."
i miss you.

while i'm brooding in the past, the present is still happening.
i don't really know what i'm doing.
i don't really know if i actually like this new guy of mine.
but he is very cute.
very my type.
he wears hats.
has tattoos.
lip ring.
plays video games.
likes the same kind of rock music.
and he really likes me.
i'm not sure if he likes me more than on a physical/sexual attraction basis.
and i'm not sure if i like him more than that either.
but right now, it's summer.
i need to stop worrying about things like long lost ex-boyfriends and whether or not anything will come out of my new fling.
i even am starting to think i've become heartless.
i don't "LIKE like" anyone.
no one at all.
and i'm confused.
i've always liked someone.
but for what i'm feeling is the first time in my life, i am not truly interested in anyone, nor am i sure that i want to be.
i'm beginning to see men as simply tools to satisfy my desires,
and that's it.
i manipulate their feelings, their emotions, fully aware of what i'm doing as i'm doing it.
i control them, have power over them, and use it to my advantage.
they're becoming means to an end, and not just ends as they once were to me.
it feels as though i may have lost the ability to connect more than that.
the ability to fall for someone.
i hope this is only temporary.
i hope that my breakup and it's aftermath did not scar me for the rest of my life.
i hope that i still have a heart.
that i'm not just the manipulative, faking person i've been acting as.
i hope that i can still fall in love.
please oh please let that part of me still be whole.
i'm a little scared.
okay, a lot scared.
let's see how this boy goes.

in the meantime, can you help me find my heart?

this one is far too fitting for this post:

chinstrap.

2010-06-01T03:09:00.002-04:00

you're the fucking best.

2010-06-01T02:44:00.000-04:00

excerpt from my re-application for a scholarship:

"I have to say that my freshman year of college was a spectacular experience. As a whole, I left my comfort zone, my nest, for the first time. I learned to literally live on my own, since I had a single the entire year. I had real responsibilities for the first time in my life, and I embraced them. It felt as though I left the airport in August as a kid, and moved in to my dorm as an adult. I thrived in my new environment. Everything was novel and interesting and beautiful. I not only fell in love with my new college life, but I fell in love with the Cambridge and Boston area as well. Everything about the location fit my personality and my desires perfectly, even the freezing cold weather and the snow, both of which I loved. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more like I belonged somewhere. However, that feeling didn’t come instantly. Sure, I felt like the area had been the right decision, but the entire first month of classes, I battled with my mind on whether or not I had made the right decision. Should I have chosen MIT instead? At first it didn’t feel as if my personality fit in with those of the people surrounding me. I would tell my friends back home how awkward it felt. Yet, it didn’t take long for me to find my “family”. By about November, I had found a group of nine amazing individuals that I would spend time with every day and night. They hail from all over the globe, Ethiopia, Jordan, Boston, Palestine, Long Island, Alabama. They all have different views, different interests. Yet despite our differences, we all came together and “clicked”. By now, we’re practically inseparable. There’s never a dull moment among us, and we always seem to be having one stimulating debate or another. I’d have to say that it was these friends who made the year completely amazing. We lived together, ate together, worked together, studied together, had fun together, sharing all of our experiences, helping each other out, pushing each other to succeed. I don’t think I would have ever felt like I belonged at Harvard had it not been for them. I feel as though the bonds we developed over the year are closer than any friendship I had made over the course of my schooling in Florida. They were by far the most important part of my school year."

clichey sentiments aside, truer words have never been spoken.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh… And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
-e e cummings

I would kiss your lips
to take in your breath and speak
What is inside you
-Chris D Lavigne

In the summer
I stretch out on the shore
And think of you.
Had I told the sea
What I felt for you,
It would have left its shores,
Its shells,
Its fish,
And followed me.

-Nizar Qabbani

dear florida,

2010-05-29T21:45:00.001-04:00

i'm returning home fat.
yes, fat.
i wish i could warn you before my arrival.
i know you'll talk about it behind my back.
"guess who gained the freshman FIFTY?!? hahahahahaha!"
but i just wish i could warn you anyways.
so it's not like,
oh hey, WHOA THERE NESSIE.
ugh.

i feel so UGLY RAHRAHRAHRAHRAH.
i wish i didn't have to see anyone until i felt better about my body.
it's literally the only reason why i'm dreading going home.
other than that, i can't wait to come home!

so maybe i'll come home fat.
i'll be joked about and talked about and miserable.
but i'll work on it.
i'll remember how i feel today,
how i felt yesterday,
how i felt a month ago, crying in my dorm room.
and i'll do something about it.
i'll change.
and i won't let it happen again.

i'll come back to harvard healthier, happier, less-alcoholic, and i'll feel good about myself.
and i just have to look forward to that.
if i'm going to have to start my summer life in florida on the wrong foot,
at least i'll be able to start my sophomore year at harvard on a good one.

oh yeah, and my heart? it definitely hasn't fully healed yet. FUCK.

a fascinating debate on top-down dating...

2010-05-14T12:40:00.002-04:00

check it out here.

really good points made by all.

we're not invincible.

2010-05-13T23:27:00.000-04:00

we're not invincible.
we can get bruises,
we can bleed,
and we can get hurt,
just as easily as everyone else.

i like to think of myself as invincible. nothing can dent me, smudge me, offend me, harm me.
i'm going to live forever, and i'll never get caught.
sadly that's not true.
i will say that it takes a lot to hurt me. i've got a hard exterior. it's extremely hard to penetrate me. (hahahaha pun intended and relevant)
but when i do get hurt, i get HURT. with capital letters and you know that i hate capital letters.
well, i'm hurt.
and it's my fault too.
i literally asked for it.
"what do you think of me?"
but i asked the wrong person. i knew, i KNEW that i was not going to like what i heard. i knew that there was no way it could be a good thing.
but, as i said, i was invincible.
i figured, what harm could it do?
granted i was drunk,
but what harm could it do,
asking the one guy completely wrong for me,
the one guy who is opposite of everything i believe in,
the one guy who i've been somewhat fascinated with since i met him,
until it eventually became sort of a crush, an attraction,
which wasn't good so i tried to get rid of it by forcing myself to become attracted to others,
which didn't work.
what harm could it do?
turns out, a lot.

~~whore.~~

it isn't the first time i've been called a whore.
let's remember the last person who called me a whore.
oh yeah, my exboyfriend. when he knew, he KNEW i was suffering. he added insult to injury; he intended for it to wound and to scar. malicious.
this time, it wasn't intended to hurt. it was intended to be truthful. to be upfront.
and that sucks.
he might not have even used the word "whore". but that's all that i heard.

whore whore whore whore whore.
whore whore whore whore whore.

the thing is, i don't think i'm a whore. i really don't. i don't think that what i do is wrong. maybe i'm flawed, maybe i'm messed up, maybe my thoughts are jumbled, or maybe i'm just plain more fucked up than everyone else.

it just hurts to know that he sees me like that. the one person who i want to like me, to approve of me, to respect me...doesn't. i'm not even talking on a more than friends sort of expectation here. i'm simply talking on the basic personal level. platonic. he didn't even mean to hurt me, and i think he felt bad. but just...arg. i so desperately seek his approval, his okay. i told you, he fascinates me. he fascinated me before i became attracted to him. i don't like the way he sees me, and it hurts.

it's funny what i do when i'm drunk. whenever i see him, i apologize. like a hundred times. for every little thing. he makes me feel so guilty for drinking, or smoking, or doing anything deemed "wrong" and it's hilarious. he doesn't say or do anything, but his presence makes me feel as though i'm being judged by a higher power, and i just apologize and feel bad.

ugh.
exam time is no fun. everyone is studying for their exams, and i'm here alone, trying to pack, but i'm distracted, and i can't focus, and i'm sad. i'm sad. i'm lonely. i just watched new moon and that didn't help and i swear i'm not a twilight preteen, i just like the cinematography. i thought it'd be a good temporary escape (and that boy's muscles were fantastic, just saying) but it only made me more sad.

i talked to my ex boyfriend two nights ago, actually the night this event happened, after i left the room and was really upset. on the phone. until like 5am. how did this happen? well, one night last week i responded to his desperate original apology email. i deemed myself stable enough to respond, and i realized that i wasn't going to make any dumb mistakes but i did have certain unresolved issues that needed clarification. a few emails were interchanged and we agreed to talk to clarify things and give reasons for our actions. time can be a good thing. hate subsides, people learn. minds clear and rationalize. i realized last week that my hate had evaporated. i mean, it's not like there's any romantic feelings left towards him, and it's not like we're going to be good friends, but i felt that i could handle talking rationally and maturely with him. so i decided it was an alright time to talk. so talk we did.
i got out of him why he broke it off with me, why he sent those horrible texts, why he dated the 12 year old, why they broke up, and anything else left unanswered. it gave me a conclusion. i liked it. he was also a wreck, while i was calm and composed. he kept going on about how much he missed me, and how he wants to be friends first, and maybe maybe someday we can consider dating again. while he was talking, i was thinking to myself...not going to happen. i have no remaining feelings for him. and i'm positive about this. i know now that i can do better. but the fact that he was practically groveling over me, begging me to come back and see him and hang out with him and such, it put ME in the place of power, which in our relationship was a spot that he held. i now have the power to decide whether or not i want to see him, whether i want to befriend him, and the power to reject him. before, i was such a peon. like, he literally controlled my friends, my moods, my actions. and him breaking up with me showed just how much power he had had. now that the roles are reversed, i feel good.

like, power. power is good.
that's why i hook up with guys, that's why i sleep with guys, that's why i flirt with guys i have no desire to sleep with. they want something out of me, and i have the power to decide whether or not i'm going to give them anything
and getting off the phone last night, feeling how much power i had over him, not feeling like OMG I'M GOING TO GET BACK WITH HIM! OMG HE STILL LOVES ME! blahblah! makes me realize that i really have grown up from it.
it honestly felt great

summer will be good for me. i'll get away from the fascinating boy, but i'll also return to the exboyfriend. i'm still a little scared of weakness. he's all that i know; it's so comfortable. but i can't go back, especially after i've come so far. i just need a solitary escape from everyone and everything. to fix my body, my fat, globulous, thing that isn't me. i look into a mirror, and i see someone else and i hate that. i hate it so much. i've become a monster, both inside and out. this summer, i'm going to try and get rid of my monsters.

but i'm not invincible. no matter how much power i can suck out of others, i can always be cut right back down off of my pedestal by someone who means something to me. my exboyfriend meant something to me, and so did this boy, even ignoring the attraction.

i've never felt so ugly and powerless. powerless and ugly.

juxtaposition.

2010-05-11T16:45:00.000-04:00

While others go to sleep to dream of something better
You do your best to make your biggest dreams come true
With voices ringing through living walls and windows you woke
You woke the whole town up. <3

life is good again.

last thought from a weary mind.

2010-05-11T03:32:00.000-04:00

i'm going to fail.

why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

2010-05-08T04:49:00.000-04:00

we grow up a little more each and every day.
no matter how old you get, you're always growing up.
there's always going to be that something you said or that thing you did
last week or last year
that you regret.
go ahead, chalk it up to immaturity.
i do.
i'm growing and changing every day.
looking back at some of the things i've written, some of my reactions towards events,
i can't help but shake my head, my cheeks flushing from embarrassment.
we all do stupid things.
i'd like to think i'm learning from mine,
but i guess time will tell if i actually am or not.
in the course of just one week, so many things have changed.
it's like my whole life was just lying there on the bedsheet, and someone decided to grab the corners and pull it tight, watching everything on it just jumble and shake around.
things are weird.

well, the point is, we all feel high and mighty when we look back and see how silly we reacted or how dumb we sounded.
but we shouldn't get lofty;
next month, we're just simply going to look back at today,
stick out our pinkies,
and chuckle over our naivety and simplicity.

such is life. i'm just tagging along for the ride.

sometimes you need to cry.

2010-05-05T01:37:00.002-04:00

i am crying.

an entry made from a line from each song on my sad playlist:

two a.m. and i'm still awake, writing a song, if i get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threat'nin' the life it belongs to.
come on in, i've got to tell you what a state i'm in,
if you want i'll keep on crying.
don't say a word, my head ain't feeling right, stay where you belong inside,
doc there's a hole where something was,
i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight, i need somebody and always,
the way that i feel tonight, so down, so down, i pray i can swim just so i won't drown,
my bones ache, my skin feels cold and I'm getting so tired and so old,
i don't wanna feel this low again.
i'm alive but i'm losing all my drive,
i have seen the others and i have discovered that this fight is not worth fighting.
i'm not better on my own,
never thought i'd be the one to burn,
where do you go, with your broken heart in tow? what do you do, with the left over you?how many times can i break till i shatter?
i'll be fine, i swear. i'm just gone beyond repair.
well, i'm thinking of the worst things that i could say to you, but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore,
well i thought that we could sit around and talk for hours about things i couldn't say to you and things that we could never do,
god, i miss those songs we used to sing, talking like getting away would be the greatest thing.
i just want you to be love,
by my side, you'll never be, by my side, you'll never be,
all of your ways and all your thunder, get me in a haze running for cover, where we gonna go from here?
i was yours, right?
wait, they don't love you like i love you.
she is living in and out of tune,
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i'm alone,
where the doors are moaning all day long,
si lo so che non c’è luce,
it's not forever we can fool around in the dark,
i think i need a sunrise; i'm tired of the sunset.
cause i know i'm good for something, i just haven't found it yet and i need it,
it falls from the skies when you don't know what you're looking to find,and no, i'm not the one to blame, it's you, or is it me?
i swam across, i jumped across for you, oh, what a thing to do.
it doesn't feel right holding someone else's hand,
there goes my ring, it might as well have been shattered,
when you go, and would you even turn to say, i don't love you like i did yesterday
sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything.
i know you'll help us when you're feeling better, and we realize that it might not be for a long, long time,
even the best fall down sometimes,
i guess we all need help, yeah, i need help,
all i want is to find an easier way to get out of our little heads,
lonely rivers sigh "wait for me, wait for me," i'll be coming home, wait for me.
the show goes on, i have to go,
i wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again
the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight,

so hang on, it's gonna be a hard day,
you'll be fine tomorrow, the sun will rise again.

emotions.

2010-05-03T16:16:00.000-04:00

what i feel now:

anger

and

betrayal

what i want to feel:

free.

i guess i shall continue waiting for it.

pensive.

2010-04-30T20:19:00.000-04:00

mexico city.

turkish riot.

shanghai world expo.

Sandinista National Liberation Front supporter

photojournalism captivates me.

an inspired post

2010-04-27T04:48:00.000-04:00

inspired by an inspired best friend.
i present things i have discovered and love.

probably the most beautiful song i've heard in a really long time:

i swear i've listened to it over 7 times today.

amazing.

i love wrist tattoos.

maybe. i do love this tattoo.

tattoos are so incredibly beautiful.

i just feel like sharing a little bit of beauty.

www.geliografic.com

david fullerton's work ^

his stuff is awesome.

oh i'm such an insomniac.

5.

2010-04-26T03:16:00.000-04:00

and that is not how many pages i have left in my paper due tomorrow. that number is 3.

and that is not how many people are in the family. that number is 9 or 10, however you see fit to add it up.

and that is not how many hours of sleep i'm going to get tonight. that number is 4.

and that is not how many hours i've worked on this paper. that number is 10. on and off.

and that is not how many questions i've answered on my genetics pset. that number is 2.

and that is not how many people are in the library basement right now. that number is >7. I cannot see the other side of the basement.

and that is not how many people i've chatted with tonight online. that number is 2.

and yet, 5 is the number.

but should it count?
I'm undecided.
do malfunctions count?
Part of me says yes,
part of me says no.

5 is a good number.
will i stop at 5 for now?
i should.
but will i?

control.
do i have it?
do i want it?
not really.

selection.
do i have it?
do i want it?
yes. i want it.
i will be more selective.

there we go.
the numbers don't matter.
but from now on, the quality will.

i've got something to say but i'm not quite sure what it is.

2010-04-24T04:41:00.000-04:00

something's been bugging me, and it's bugging me bad. i don't know what it is so i'm just going to write and hopefully i get it out of my system so i can be happy.

i don't understand myself. i'm constantly dwelling over my exboyfriend, though i know he's nasty and he smokes cigarettes and he's a horrible person and he's the last person i should be thinking about. but i can't stop. i constantly stalk his page. i talk to his best friend. i'm pen pals with his little sister. i'm as close as i can get to him without talking directly to him. and trust me, i've come so damn close to sending him a message. telling him everything's okay, let's talk and be friends. i've written the damn message out, hovered my cursor over the send button. it's been so close. but at that last moment, i stop myself, his words of "slut" and "whore" echoing in my head, me thinking "what would papa bear think? what would my best friend think? is this really what i want?" and i discard the message. but what happens when those questions don't arise in my mind? what if i click send? that'd be so bad, and i'd just fall once again into the self-defeating cycle that is him. i can't do it, but i'm scared i will. i've reached intense moments of weakness and if they continue along this path, my resolve is only going to get weaker and weaker until i give in. this terrifies me. i just want him out of my head. there was a time when he was; things were good, but not really. they were just distractions. now, there aren't any distractions. there's only the starch cold reality of what i'm doing. and it sucks.

he's not a good guy. i'm not still in love with him (i don't think so). he's not attractive. why am i still caught up, after all of this time? why can't i just be free?

the other day i realized something shocking. my exboyfriend is the only person that i've been intimate with while sober. and that's scary, shocking, terrifying, horrifying, embarrassing, shameful.

i feel shame. for the first time in a long time. i feel intense amounts of shame.

these boys, these fucks, these kisses, they mean nothing. not even a morning text. nothing. they're satisfying a need and they're not even doing that very well. they're scraping my ego and my self-esteem off of the floor, even if only for one night. i'm trying to fill myself up with them but it's not working. it's like trying to cup water in your hands. futile. fruitless. impossible. nothing remains once they're gone. i'm still as empty and as charred as i was the day after my relationship ended. it's starting to get to me, and get to me good. i'm shamed.

two boys have hurt me here. without meaning to. without me meaning to give them the power to hurt me. they're good looking boys. one was a fantastic lover, sensual. touching. stocky. bro-y. i have a legitimate reason for starting to feel more than just a casual fuck for him. we were a constant thing. it was the only thing i could count on in my life for a time period. every friday and saturday, around roughly 3am, i'd get that text, "hey what are you up to?" and i'd rarely go, but i still had that consistency. i had it. i lost it somehow, and i still don't know how. something better came along, i'm sure. i've learned that's how guys are. they're never content with what they have; something better is always around the corner. and that's miserable for me because i haven't been the something better in a long, long time.

the second guy. i don't understand. there's no legitimacy here. he's a good looking guy, we spent maybe thirty minutes together, made out. i was incredibly attracted to him for unfathomable reasons. then he ditched me. something better came along. i even texted him asking him where he was. no reply. texted him drunkenly stating that i would have gone home with him. no reply. of course i regretted those texts in the morning. what right did i have to try and claim his as mine? he did exactly what i do every weekend. but i saw something more than just a hookup in him, and that's why it hurt. still hurts. i swear i saw this boy like 4 times today (whereas i never used to run into him) and we avoided eye contact every time. where do i stand? what does he think of me? i'm afraid to make the first move. again, with the shame.

i'm so despicably desperate for affection, of any sort. as i said earlier, these boys, they help me out. they make me feel wanted, even if only temporarily. they make me feel powerful. but it doesn't stay. it doesn't satisfy my need. but i'm not going to stop. no way in hell. i'm not going to try "fixing my morals" or "becoming a better person" or any bullshit like that. fuck that. fuck morality. i don't understand how being completely alone all the time, miserable and worthless, is better than relieving that feeling temporarily, even if it's only by sleeping with a meaningless guy who doesn't ever text you again and avoids eye contact with you everytime you see him thereafter. even if it's him. that guy. how does that compute? i'd rather have a little bit of relief than none at all. i don't think that makes me a bad person. who's judging this anyway? don't give me god, because that entire concept is screwed up. i'd rather not be completely miserable and i think that in itself makes me a more intelligent person. i will continue to collect men like they are trading cards and i do not see anything wrong with it other than the fact that it is not what i want in the long run. it's a temporary fix. but it's a fix i'm not giving up.

but where does this lead me? where's the end result? i just want a boy i can be with sober. that is all. sex isn't even that important to me anymore. i can be in a relationship without sex. i can wait. i don't want another relationship where there are moments that i believe our entire existence is based solely on our sex. i don't want that anymore. i just want a hand in mine, a place to rest my head, an arm around my waist. and i want it sober. sober and consistent and loyal. that's what i want. that's what i'm not going to get. and i don't know how to get it. i'm well aware i'm not going about this the right way and i'm attracting all the wrong sorts of people but i don't know how else to do this. i don't know. i'm lost. and i'm aching.

i didn't even want to drink tonight. i dumped the drink that i had. the taste made me sick. i just kept thinking of my ex and how i really needed a hand to hold. there weren't any hands around.

i'm heading home soon. heading home to a whole other life. my old life. the one that included parties without alcohol, nights without bird chirping, friends without benefits, highs without drugs, and kisses without impairment. hopefully it will do me good, but it may in fact do me bad. everything will reek of ex-lovers. i haven't been home since then. i haven't been away from my support group here since then. it will be a test of wills. i may not make it.

i'd like to think i'm far less fucked up than the people i know. they just seem much more messed up and conflicted than i am. it's like when i'm drunk or high, i always try to be the rational one. i try to see others as if they're so much more drunk or high than i am. i try to speak in full intelligible sentences, and i try to help those who seem like they need help. i feel high and mighty. but really, i'm not making sense, i'm bumbling about just as much as them, and i'm not any more sober. that's how i think life is. maybe i AM as fucked up as everyone else. maybe we're all fucked up together.

was i always fucked up? or is this a new development?

fuck.

i hate sleeping alone.

i'm pro-porn.

2010-04-04T20:30:00.000-04:00

q&a from my formspring.

Q: Pro-porn? I feel porn has ruined sex, taken the idea of love, passion, and emotion out of it. Do you not agree?

A: No I do not agree at all, but what an amazing question. Yes, I am pro-porn and I am sex-positive. (This is going to be a long answer, so stick around) Let me start with what sex-positive means, before people start jumping to conclusions. Being sex-positive, I believe that sex is an inherently good thing, that sex is not disgusting or taboo, that sex should be talked about, and that we as a culture have been repressing sex to make it this hush-hush "dirty" thing. I also believe that each person's sexual desires are different, along with what turns them on or gets them off. I'm not judging anyone's preferences. As long as things are consensual, then go for it. I may not personally get my jollies out of tentacle porn, but if you do, more power to ya. I'm very pro-pleasure. Do what makes you happy, as long as it's legal. Being pro-porn for me goes hand in hand with sex-positivity. I'll break it down, point by point.
-  First, I like pornography. I enjoy watching sex, and it is a pleasurable thing. I don't do it very often, but I don't judge those who do(reasonably! porn can be like a drug. see "sex rehab with dr. drew"). I also don't use it as a substitute for the real thing, because really, it can't compare.  
-The porn industry is such a fascinating and profitable place. The majority of the porn in the industry is produced by real business companies, with consensual, legal actors and actresses who are required to take monthly, or sometimes weekly STD tests. It's a safe legal practice, and no one gets hurt. What's tarnishing this reputation is the recent outburst of homemade porn, where the people in it may or may not be of legal age, and it may or may not be consensual. That kind of porn, I am not pro. I am very much against.   
-Porn is interesting, and it's not afraid to explore what's not seen as culturally "normal". It tries to appeal to people of all types, or all interests. People are always worried if what they like or what they do is "normal". The truth is, there is no set standard of where we draw the line between normal and weird. Normal doesn't exist when it comes to sexuality. We don't know enough, and people have so many different preferences. It's nice to see that this is explored through porn, as people of all types and sexual preferences are likely to find something that turns them on. People in porn are also interesting, as I saw when I met Jennie Ketcham. She was an amazing person to talk to and I feel so lucky to have been able to have a personal talk with her.   
-Porn shows you what's out there. Some people stick to the missionary position their entire life. How boring! Porn can show you new things to try, or even teach you more about your body. There are so many women who live their entire lives not knowing how to properly masturbate and that's so sad! Porn can help. It also allows a safe experience of sexual alternatives and things you wouldn't actually enact in real life, such as fantasies. Here's where anti-porn coalitions normally step in. They tend to state that the fantasies experienced in porn create unrealistic expectations, cause people (and men) to reenact the scenes in real life, and that they depict women as objects in degrading scenes. Let's examine this. First, there's the unrealistic expectations. I firmly believe that only adults should be allowed access to porn, which is technically the rule, but with the internet, it is impossible to enforce. It's enforced for a reason. If a young child views porn, they have not yet matured into a sensible character, therefore they are easily swayed and influenced and that's where the unrealistic expectations come from. However, an adult is an adult. They can make decisions for themselves, they can choose from right and wrong, and they know the difference between reality and fantasy. Role-playing and fantasy porn goes into a different category than real-life sex. A mature adult is able to make that distinction. It's the same thing as a woman watching a sappy romance, like the notebook. It doesn't mean that she will have such high unrealistic expectations for her next relationship. She knows the entire story was fabricated, and she knows what reality is really like. Regarding reenacting the scenes, such as the rape scenes, let's take a step back and look at what is being said. Rape is seen in pornography, which leads to men wanting to rape women in their everyday lives. That's preposterous. That's the same thing as saying murder is seen on tv, or violence is seen in video games, and that leads people to murder others in real life, or people to become violent after playing grand theft auto or listening to angry music. The correlation is non-existent and it cannot be proven. We're adults. We're not sheep. To quote my parents, if jack said it was cool and jumped off of a bridge, would you follow him and jump off of the bridge too? For the last point regarding the objectification of women and degradation of them, that's definitely up to interpretation. Yes, women are objectified in porn, but so are the men! There is nothing inherently degrading about pornography, we just think it's so thanks to the morals of the church that say that women are not sexual beings. Porn isn't just for men, as many believe. Porn is for everyone, no matter your taste, as I stated above. The belief that porn is just for men's pleasure stems from the "female purity" that has been a mainstay in our culture since colonial times, when the male was allowed to actively be sexual because his sperm was actively in pursuit of the female, who is supposed to be passive and pure, like her eggs, which just let themselves be ravaged by the male sperm, not actively participating. This has also blossomed into the myth that "females don't masturbate". And this whole female passivity is what I believe has to change. Women are sexual beings just as much as men are. We watch porn, we masturbate, we like sex, we just feel guilty about all of it because of the social stigma and stereotypes that have been passed down through the ages. Women are so embarrassed about their sexuality, about being turned on by things, about touching themselves, and it shouldn't be like that. That's why things such as the female orgasm seminar are amazing; it means that as a society, we are finally beginning to progress in the terms of speaking openly about female sexuality, removing the negative connotations associated with it.   
Now, regarding your direct question, you say that pornography has ruined sex, and has taken the idea of love, passion, and emotion out of it. Here, you are mistaken. If anything, pornography has the ability to make sex even better, as you and your partner can watch it together as foreplay, or you can even learn new things from it. This goes back to separating pornography from reality, viewing it as just another form of entertainment, such as a movie or chick flick. As I said, the same may be said of chick flicks. Some may say that chick flicks have ruined relationships, taking the idea of love, and passion, and emotion to levels that are far too unrealistic for today's world. But we all know that's not true. We can tell what's real and what's fake. We're adults.   
Pornography falls under the aspect of free speech and expression, and it is legitimate entertainment for consenting adults. People should never feel shame regarding what turns them on. We should not feel as though we have to hide it in the shadows. Sexuality  should not be seen as dirty, shameful, sinful, offensive, sickening. It's natural, it's healthy. I am a sexual woman. I watch porn. I like  sex. I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I'm not going to apologize for it. I am me. Deal with it.

but i'm stronger!

2010-03-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

you know you've done a good job of getting over someone when you see them in a new relationship with someone else, and it only slightly stings, instead of full-on body-immobilizing pain.

good job, self. you've survived. <3

Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).

After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.

take a moment to take a breath. that's what i'm doing.

2010-03-21T20:59:00.000-04:00

it's all back to the daily grind. we trudge and we trudge and we trudge and we trudge, if only to just have the ability to trudge some more. somethings just don't make sense.

i just want to see the world.

and mister more-than-one-night. i'm not waiting for you to call on me anymore. if you want to make it 4 times, you'll reach me yourself and i may or may not come. i'm not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to you. i almost did, and boy, would that have been a mistake. i'm taking the few scraps of emotions that have thwarted my control and latched on to you back. they're mine, you see? you're not a boyfriend type, at least for me. i want better. i'll get better. it may not be today, tomorrow, next month, next year. but it'll happen. because i won't be waiting on you, or any other person i sleep with. i won't even be looking for him. it'll just happen. that's the way these things work. they just happen. there's no sense in waiting around. i'm going to enjoy my life, my world. i'm not going to sit around waiting to be included in yours.

you know, i'm scared of people reading this blog. i'm terrified of who may find it. i've never been this open. i've shared my thoughts and secrets before, but never to this extent. that's why i won't write my name. or my school. or other people's names. i'm scared. though if you knew me, you'd definitely know this is me. so hey, if you're reading this, friend. i'm more worried about my pre-college friends, my pre-college life. old me. i had a persona, i had an identity, and i'm not sure how much of that is left. i think if my old friends saw my blog, they'd have to say that they no longer know me. my mindset and my ways have changed that drastically. but i'm just coming into my own. i just had to escape the confines of my small town and my restrictive parents to do that.

i'm trying to forcibly change myself now. in every aspect. i'm not happy with where i'm headed. grades, weight, lifestyle. it's all currently being overhauled. i'm changing. i'm determined. keep up with me.

i'm working out now. i've gained an upwards of 20 pounds since college started. all i've done is eat in the dining hall and sit around on my laptop. i've had no exercise. that's changing. monday, wed, fri, sun. 30 minute in-dorm workouts. i'm also going to begin incorporating gym visits. i have to get over my fear of going places alone and just do it. i'm also incorporating a "healthy monday" to my schedule. salads and low calorie foods on monday. it's a small step, but due to failures in the past, it's what i have to start with. i hate my body. i loathe it, despise it. i've never been this unhappy with myself. it's gotten to the point where it's affecting other aspects of my life and frankly, that is not okay. something must be done and i'm doing it now. i've already been through week one. i'm setting my sights to keep this up for 4 weeks, at least. no backing down, no backing out. i want to lose 30 pounds by august. it's a steep, steep goal. but i know i can do it. it'll be a slow, laborious process, and i'm going to need help sticking to it, but it will happen. i'll like my body again. my reward will be my second tattoo. i cannot wait.

another overhaul is regarding my grades. i have slacked so badly. my studying habits are horrible. this is all changing. i'm now determined to get my work done ahead of time, to start projects early, to study comprehensively, and most importantly, to ask for help. i dread asking for help. i went to office hours once last semester and it was a horrible experience. no more. i need help. i will not get As without it. this school is not a place where i can simply glide by, like high school. this is starting now. today may have been the most productive day i've had my entire freshman year. right now i'm simply taking a break between lecture videos for my upcoming midterm two tuesdays from now to write this and get this burden off of my mind. getting things done feels amazing. i'm also meeting with a professor from one of my classes to help me out with an essay i have due on friday.

i'm determined to turn myself around. i just pray that i don't regress. tripping and stumbling are expected as long as i get back up and continue on my path. i can't give up. this is my personal message to myself. when times get hard, i just have to reread this post and push myself harder and harder to stick to it. i need to like myself again, not only part of me, but all aspects of myself. my mind keeps returning to my junior year of high school. i loved myself, in the most modest and least vain way. i loved myself. i loved my body, i loved my personality, i loved my work habits, my time management, i loved my life. after my recent breakup and period of pessimism, i firmly believe that i have finally regained that sense of optimism and vivacity and drive that i haven't seen since my junior year. i already feel empowered and hopeful. i can dream again. it feels beyond amazing. then i remember my body and everything else and it's just bringing me down. that's why it needs to change. that's why it will change.

don't fuck it up.

as asked in my formspring.

2010-03-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

Q: Do you have a life purpose? Do you think there even is such a thing?

A: i've thought on this before. i think a life purpose is what you make it. i don't believe that each person was put here by god to do one specific thing with their life. i believe that as you live your life, you discover your own purpose, and that ...purpose is never static. it's always subject to change as you develop your identity and your self and you grow as an individual. each person interprets the purpose of their own life in a different way than every other person. personally, at this juncture of my life, i believe my purpose is to find my own nirvana. i quote the song, "the tide" by the spill canvas. "heaven's not a place where you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. so live for that moment." and i'm a firm believer in that. i'm living for those moments where i can just sit back, completely and fully content and happy with my life, where there is not one thing i would change. I think we live to accumulate those moments, that pure serene happiness. they are the moments where you just take everything in and appreciate your life and the beauty of living. "i swear in that moment, we were infinite." so i do have a purpose. it's to be happy, to feel alive. that's the ultimate goal.

<3this song is so beautiful. watch the music video here.

the awkward conversation.

2010-03-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

Hooking up and one night stands are new things to me. Back in high school, I would have never thought I'd be doing what I find so casual now. I'd definitely be the first to call myself a slut and a whore. I had about three or four real boyfriends over the course of 4 years of high school, and only one ever got serious. But times change, morals change. You do things you swore that you never would. And you don't regret it. at least I don't. everything i do, every guy i kiss, every shot or hit i take, i do it for myself. i'm not seeking external gratification. i'm seeking pleasure, happiness, escape, but all for myself. i do it because it feels good. why shouldn't i do something that makes me happy? seriously, the high you get after good sex is better than the best weed in the world. pleasure is an amazing and beautiful thing. though sigmund freud may have been completely out of his mind, i think that he's definitely got a point when he speaks of the id. The id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts as according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or unpleasurable sensations.

Freud defines it:

“It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We all approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle."

[Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1933)]

pleasure. immediate satisfaction. chaos. seething excitations.

ever since i've been able to live life by my own terms, i've been letting my id control more of my life. before now, i never had a chance or a choice to give in to my id.

it's an amazing thing. live by the id. responsibly. lol. i still do schoolwork. (note, i am up at 3AM now, having just finished an essay) but my friday and saturday nights are dominated by my dear friend, my id. i wouldn't ask for it any other way.

on a related note, i've learned a lot upon entering this hookup culture of college.
in particular, i've learned the difference between one you hook up with, and one you "like" in the high school sense of the term.
you hook up with guys you find physically (even remotely) attractive. you don't know them very well, and their personality doesn't factor into the equation nearly as much as it does for the other category. "it isn't real if it's just one night" to quote a random song running through my head. normally, you don't hook up with people you can see yourself marrying. you hook up with cocky guys with swagger, looking for a little satisfaction, just like yourself. when you see them prior to hooking up, it's easy to imagine them sexually. normally, relationships are not started with the hookup types. when they do, they have a tendency to end badly. i know from experience. my most recent ex was someone i never had an issue considering sexually. i had a primal attraction to him since junior year of high school. he wasn't physically attractive, but that lust was still there. i think i can blame his conceited bigoted personality for that. i'm kind of a sucker for cocky boys. well, we eventually started dating my senior year of high school. i lost my virginity to him. we stayed together the entire school year and throughout the majority of my first year in college. however, now that it's over, i've been given a chance to reflect on our relationship that i thought was so amazing. what more did we have but sex and lust? sure, i loved him, but we were missing essential connections on a mental level. looking back, i'm not all too sure that i really did love his person, and not just his persona and physical allure. i mean, how could i, when we never really had anything to talk about? i'm starting to think he was simply a friends-with-benefits that lasted almost two years.

now to the other category. there are certain people in my life that, no matter how hard i try, i cannot imagine them sexually. it just does not compute. but i am positive that i am attracted to them, in one particular case, i could definitely almost be in love with them. how does that work? let's take one example. there's this guy i met my sophomore year of high school. he was beautiful, but he was also the smartest guy i'd ever met. from the first time i saw him walk into class, i was smitten. not by his looks, but by his demeanor, his speech, his mind. silly me wrote him a cute little note admitting my initial attraction, which in turn made things awkward. it wasn't until my junior year that we got over the immaturity of the previous year and i actually got to know him. i believe that is when i truly fell in love with this boy. we could talk. we could talk for hours, for days. i'd never lose interest in anything he had to say. he amazed and enthralled me, and it didn't help that he probably had the most friendly, caring, and sympathetic personality out of anyone i knew. i felt myself falling for him, big time, but i knew the feelings weren't reciprocated so i simply kept it to myself. same goes for my senior year. i eventually just taught myself how to put my massive amounts of emotions for him on the backburner and move on to other guys. but no matter what, i always compared every other guy to him. in my mind, he was my 10/10. my only 10/10. the perfect male. if he were to have asked me out, my feelings would have surged to the surface and i would have dropped anyone i had dated during my junior and senior years in an instant.

but back to my point. the fact is, i never once saw him in a lustful sexual way. you know when you daydream about hooking up with guys, imagining scenarios in your head? i physically can't imagine them with him. i'm not sure why it is, but i'm sure it means something big.

this is not an exclusive event either. there are a few guys who i meet with whom my initial attraction is nowhere near sexual. i'm attracted to their personalities, their essence, not their bodies. same for these guys, i can't picture them in sexual settings. this fact kind of blows my mind.

all the guys that i cannot picture sexually are guys that i find are perhaps someday the marrying type. for now, they'd be the dating type. i'd love love LOVE to date a guy whom i didn't see sexually, just to see how it would turn out. i never have so i don't know what would result. would the sexual attraction eventually build up, or would it simply never surface? i hope one day i get the chance to try dating one of these amazing men.

all of this somehow relates to the little blurb i originally intended on posting.
the awkward post-one-night-stand-conversation-when-you-realize-you-really-knew-NOTHING-about-the-person-you-slept-with-two-weekends-ago. because it just happened. my awkward conversation. it was bearable, wasn't too bad actually. he's a nice guy. i may consider going on a date with him, because that seems to be his intention, which i find a little surprising. but the main point is the conversation wasn't all that painful. this guy i know who's younger brother i dated used to say things were only awkward if you made it awkward which i actually find extremely profound.

so yeah. life is odd. and i want to be cool like my future roommate and share some random photos but i can never think of what photos to post. let me just do a random search in my pictures folder.

ouch just found a really cute photo of my ex-boyfriend. i can't believe he turned into one of those ex-boyfriends from hell. i really didn't expect that out of him. ='[

kitties fix everything. and this is probably the cutest kitty picture ever.

this was beautiful. i'd like to know who wrote it, and give them a hug. it seems like something i could write.

i'm such a sucker for inspirational things like that, but they really do help me.

i will find them.

why am i up at 4am on a monday morning?

2010-02-22T04:01:00.000-05:00

especially since i had a migraine hangover from hell all day sunday?

well, to finish off my amazing ego-boosting weekend of awesomeness,
i am currently talking to this guy i've known since my freshmen year of high school. we acted together. i thought he was really hot. he was a senior, therefore, i rarely spoke to him and had zero chance of ever getting with him.

well, he is currently drunkenly confessing how badly he wants me and how he has wanted me since he met me while i was a freshman.

and it's just so amusing and great that i can't bear to leave yet. i'm sacrificing sleep to hear how amazing i am and how badly i'm wanted. i think it's worth it. everyone needs to hear a drunken confession about them once in awhile.

this weekend has definitely saved my ego from the depths it had sunk to thanks to the asshole who dumped me for a 12 year old. i think i'm actually beginning to like myself once again, and it's been awhile since i've been able to say that. i like it.

and i'm feeeeeeeeellingggg goood.

i want a boy who...

2010-02-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

i want a boy who supports me in my various endeavors. he'll help me out with rockstar promotions, be excited when i tell him i'm trying out for j.v., help me relax before a job interview, cram for midterms and finals with me.

i want a boy who never puts me down. he'll never say what i'm doing is stupid, or pointless, or lame. he'll never seriously criticize my interests or my passions. he'll never belittle me or my accomplishments.

i want a boy who never curses at me. he'll never call me a bitch or tell me "fuck you", even jokingly.

i want a boy who will take me out on occasional dates, maybe like once a month. he'll take me ice skating, even if he can't skate, or simply take me to a movie in boston. every night won't be a movie night at his place and he'll mix things up occasionally.

i want a boy who puts talking to me above other distractions. if we're having a real conversation on the phone, he won't be playing a video game or chatting online with his friends. he'll think i'm important enough to have his attention, even for 30 minutes.

i want a boy who will lose gracefully. if i win a game out of merit, he won't cop out and be a sore loser, or quit the game right before it ends, or tell me he let me win. he'll accept defeat with dignity.

i want a boy who won't purposely let me beat him at things.

i want a boy who pays complete attention to me in bed, and is not distracted by things such as the television.

i want a boy who knows how to use the magic of touch and caresses, instead of never using his hands.

i want a boy who will not simply satisfy himself, but also make sure i'm satisfied as well.

i want a boy who's always down for cuddling or other bed-ly activities, and who's not afraid of trying new things.

i want a boy who i won't have to worry about cheating on me, because i trust him.

i want a boy who doesn't have a wretched history of being a womanizer or pervert or cheater.

i want a boy with whom i could have conversations that consist of more than simply, "how was your day? i love you."

i want a boy who will be genuinely interested in the things that i do, as i would be for him.

i want a boy who likes christmas and the holidays, and who isn't a humbug about christmas spirit.

i want a boy with whom i could fall in love with.

i want a boy who would make a gingerbread house with me, or carve a pumpkin.

i want a boy who is lighthearted, optimistic and cheery.

i want a boy who actually has goals and plans for his future.

i want a boy who would be awake when i go over his place to see him, excited that i'm coming over, instead of one i have to wake up upon my arrival.

i want a boy whose family loves me.

i want a boy whose mother doesn't buy me christmas gifts to be given to me in my name. he'd actually put a little thought into his gifts, buying me something he knows i would like, (which is never something expensive; i like the little things the most)

i want a boy who would randomly buy me flowers, since i love them so damn much. or even a boy who'd buy me flowers just once. that'd be okay too. it'd beat all of my past boyfriends.

i want a boy whom my friends actually like, because that'd be a first as well.

i want a boy who i wouldn't have to remind to randomly text me throughout the day; he'd do it anyways.

i want a boy who wouldn't lie to me about his feelings for me.

i want a boy who'd be okay with us being facebook official and have at least one of his profile photos be with me.

i want a boy who would adventure with me and explore new places.

i want a boy who likes to learn.

i want a boy who'd be my +1 at parties, and who'd enjoy them just as much as i do.

i want a boy who keeps me amused with corny, hilarious jokes or comments.

i want a boy who is a little geeky, like myself, with whom i could connect with.

i want a boy who has motivation, and a drive, no matter what it is. i want a boy with a passion.

i want a boy who showers and brushes his teeth regularly, and smells good.

i want a boy who will lend me his shirt to sleep in when i'm not with him.

i want a boy who will give me space and respect my independence. i like to do some things by myself, and he has got to understand that. my alone time is very important to me.

i want a boy who will never make me feel worthless or like a piece of meat, because those feelings are all too familiar for me.

i want a boy who would get a kitty with me if we ever moved in together.

i want a boy who thinks i'm cute and who'd help my drowning ego return to a healthy level.

i want a boy who is realistic about the future, and doesn't think too far ahead and makes promises he can't keep.

i want a boy who will never break me like i have been broken before.

i want a boy who will hold my hand, because i think i miss that the most.

i want a boy who would be down for taking photos with me because i'd want to show him off on facebook.

i want a boy who'd send me a flower or singing acapella gram on valentine's day.

i want a boy who'd save up to visit me if we were in a long distance relationship, even if it was just once.

i want a boy who'd send me handwritten letters.

i want a boy who i could look at for the rest of my life and smile.

i want a boy who doesn't type using numbers.

i want a boy who will read all 360 facts about me on my facebook.

i want a boy who would feel more than just another hookup.

i want a boy who i'll call every night and talk to on the phone.

I want a boy who will tell his friends about me.

I want a boy who will get jealous of other guys. I want a boy who wants me all to himself.

I want a boy who will come over and play monopoly with me.

I want a boy who says my name when we talk, and will sometimes write me romantic things and maybe once in awhile call me "darling".

I want a boy who will pose for the roller coaster pictures with me.

i want a boy i could bring back to florida and know my parents will like him.

I want a boy that I’ll remember when im forty, in a good light, even if things don't work out.

i want a boy who will appreciate my attempts at doing cute things, and who will return the favor.

i want a boy who won't be afraid act like a kid sometimes with me.

I want a boy who will read this and picture himself as the guy im talking about.

i've done this before (in like 10th grade), and i even have a feeling there are some repeats, but i felt i needed a refresher as to what i deserve in a guy, instead of what i've learned to settle for. this is a semi-rebuttal against the injustices i was dealt in my past relationship. i'm not over it, though in retrospect i'm able to acknowledge all of the bad things that i dealt with. reminding myself that i have worth and deserve something greater than what i had is helping me cope, even just a little bit. i really don't think i ask for much in a guy. i know guys like this exist somewhere. i'll meet one someday. i know it.

hi again, new year.

2010-02-16T03:57:00.002-05:00

it's 4am.
this blog has been privatized since dec. 31st.
i decided that there were things written that i didn't really want shared, and that i didn't want people to figure out that i was writing about them.
so i went back, edited a few blogs and passages. made it more acceptable.
people can read it now.
and i'll start sharing more things again.
i need this outlet, this release.
ever since the death of the myspace bulletin, i've been missing out on expulsion of my feelings.
this is my new medium, and someday, this blog will be my masterpiece.
sometimes you just have to let it all out.

i'm single, by the way. that boyfriend i talked about in the flower post? he found a high school girl he liked more than me. she looks twelve. and hereby continues the curb-stomping of the ego. so let me label it the P.S. saga. 10/10/08-2/8/10. a waste of almost a year and a half. problem solved. case closed.

but it hurt. for real.

let's just say, i was a sad drunk saturday night. it was the night before valentine's day. i think i legitimately had a right to be.

it was a sad weekend for many people. there were a lot of sad drunks just looking for some sort of release.

this weekend i realized that i exaggerate in multiples of 7. for example, i have been drinking, and i'll say something like, "i made out with 7 GUYS!!" or "I got rejected 14 times!" (both true life examples, both also lies) if i tell you something with a multiple of 7, don't believe it. wait maybe an hour, and i'll think on it, and the truth will come out. (ie: 3 and 5, in the above examples, though getting rejected by a nerdy looking boy with a zelda t-shirt may actually count as getting rejected by 9 extra guys, depending on what scaling you're using)

i also realized that the j-curve is truly the only thing i learned last semester and i write about it in every damn rant since.

it's 4 am. i have class at 10. i still have to shower. but i have so much to say.

i guess it can wait.

this is the last time that i will ever write about you.

2010-02-10T16:42:00.000-05:00

this is the last time that i will ever write about you, BLANK, because i am tired of sounding pathetic and desperate. you threw away everything we had for a high school girl? i guess you never did grow up. i was so serious about you. i thought we'd be texting each other and talking every night for years to come. when i thought of my next few days, or few months, or few years, it was you that was always somewhere in my plans, in my future. now, what am i left with, but holes? i don't understand how i'm supposed to retrospectively believe that you meant anything you ever said or promised to me if you can so simply, so easily renounce me. perhaps you never did actually "love" me; perhaps it was nothing more than a misguided and mistaken form of "lust". after all, your affections are the ones that waned, so easily, if i might add, and you've already found what you'd like to be my replacement. i've said it before, but you always seem to find a way to make me feel like a piece of meat...worthless. you make me feel so worthless. so, i hope you enjoy your valentine's day with her. and when my personalized valentine's day gift arrives (which it is already on its way to your house), i want you to open it and remember what we had. remember how you wanted a life with me, with a house, and a kitty. think of what we could have been. what was the percentage again? well guess what, we're no longer part of the minority anymore. we failed to beat to beat the odds. you gave up. remember how you wanted to propose to me. how you "weren't scared to think about the future." how you promised me you wouldn't forget about me and go off with another girl. and you know what? i want your memories and your thoughts to hurt. i want them to pierce you, scorch you. i want you to be feeling the repercussions every time that you think of me. because you've hurt me tremendously, more than i have ever been hurt or damaged before in my life, and i don't think that any pain you may feel would even compare in the slightest to how i've felt these past few days. just know that she will never be half the girlfriend i was for you. i'm starting to think people were right when they said that i was too good for you. according to you, i was the best thing that's ever happened to you. well, you just lost me and this time, i'm not coming back. this is the end. i was the best you will ever have and i hope with "every fiber of my being" that you regret discarding me like a used tissue, making me feel both inadequate and second-best. BLANK BLANK, you have broken me, and i do not even know how to begin repairing myself. i'm not even sure if i'll ever be whole like i was before you came into the picture. you've stolen a large part of my self and my dignity, i don't think that i'll ever truly get that back.

rumor has it, it's the end of paradise.

loneliness and valentine's day. the cliche whiny rant.

2010-02-06T02:39:00.002-05:00

being at a college with thousands of other students, you wouldn’t think you’d find yourself so lonely. I’m not even that girl who has no friends. I have a tight knit group of amazing friends, best friends, and we’re always hanging out. I never get annoyed with them, or tired of them. it’s a great thing to have. that’s not the loneliness that eats away at me, for lack of a better cliché. I just want physical contact. I want to feel loved, feel wanted. I want someone to put their arms around me, someone to hold my hand. after having that steady brick there for me for a year, not having it seems like i’ve been robbed, like something deeply personal and sentimental has been stolen from me. like I’m entitled to it, and I’m not getting it.

the truth is, I’m not entitled to anything. I took what I had when I had it for granted. now I’m left with loneliness at a college where to be quite blunt, I’m not wanted, needed, desired, anything. call my bluff if you will, but it’s true. every night that I sleep alone (which is every night, might I point out) I feel like I’m being punished. and it’s literally killing me, a little by little. no, I’m not being melodramatic, I’m just…dehydrated. I look up to my left and see a photo of my friends who have been together so long, so happy, so cuddly, and I want that. I’m parched, I’m thirsty, I want that so bad right now. I miss that. I feel so ugly here, so discarded. it may not be true, you’re right. but that’s how I feel. and I don’t know what to do about it. there really is nothing I can do about.

I don’t have someone to kiss goodnight. I don’t have someone to hold me in the cold. I don’t have someone to drag along by the hand. I don’t have someone to go on a date to finale with. I don’t have someone to be my “+1” to parties. I don’t have someone to take facebook pictures with. I don’t have someone to be my valentine, or send me flowers, or a singing acapella group. hell, I don’t even have someone to send a singing acapella group to, myself. couples take so many things for granted. words and videos can only mean so much. nothing compares to a hug from behind, or a warm hand on your shoulder. as I said, once you’ve had it, that caring companion, going back to a life without it is probably one of the loneliest existences.

that is where I am, right now. next weekend is valentine’s day. I don’t get why I get so worked up over valentine’s day. I know, I know, “it’s a holiday invented by hallmark to get money”. but, personally, I think it’s an adorable and cute and amazing holiday. what a better holiday than one that specifically is meant to spread love among the world? you probably would never know that I secretly love valentine’s day, because I openly hate it. like, I’ll buy my friends cute valentines some years, but I’ll talk about how it’s so cheese and lame. that’s not how I really feel. I guess it’s the stereotypical coverup. I always get so excited for valentine’s day, and I look forward to it. I love love. but without fail, every year is a let down and something bad happens on valentine’s day. literally without fail. you probably think I’m exaggerating but I’m really not. how many of you have broken up on valentine’s day? not too many, but I know a few others. the truth is, valentine’s day for me is always like davies’ j-curve, the only think I learned in gov last semester. increasing hopes and expectations, and when the actual result doesn’t meet the expectations, then there’s a downward slope of depression. that’s my valentine’s day. I don’t expect much, really. I don’t. I’m not materialistic at all. but I’d just like a good valentine’s day. just once. I’d like flowers, (I still haven’t gotten flowers), and chocolates, and a heartfelt handwritten note, and a sunset, and a hand to hold. really, that’s not much. I’m not asking for a tiffany’s necklace here. let’s see, flowers, like $20. chocolates? like $5. a handwritten note? zero. a sunset and a hand to hold? also zero. I don’t want expensive things, I just want feelings. I want to be loved. and I want pretty smells. (the flowers. I love flowers.) I’ve never gotten flowers, or a cute page long note, or a pretty picture, or an adorable date, or a giant stuffed animal or anything for valentine’s day. it’s just lonely.

I really don’t mean for this to sound whiny and complainy. it’s 2:30 AM. I had a great night with my friends last night. we went to a prom. it was fun. I’ve just got this intense heavy feeling of loneliness weighing me down right now, and normally, if I write about something, it lightens the load, even just a little bit. that’s all my intentions were here. I surely don’t want to like, guilt trip anyone into getting me something for v-day, because then I’d feel like a truly horrible person. I’m just spilling out yet another intimate part of my life to the greater blogging nation. i’d just like a good valentine’s day. really. and it sucks, because I know that this valentine’s day won’t be a good one. I’ll be alone again, though I may have my best friend from home with me, but she’s not the cure to the kind of loneliness I have. I won’t have that hand to hold. it’s too far away and I have short arms.

you never bought me flowers.

2009-12-26T14:02:00.001-05:00

this is not a chronological account of my life.
don't expect it to be.
things happen.
i can't update.
i don't want to feel obligated to recount each minute detail.
no one reads this anyways.
if i'm writing for myself, why should it matter what i leave out?

i'm "home" now. first semester is behind me. i got really sick with an infection the day i came home. went to the ER and almost needed to be admitted on the 23rd. so i've been sick for christmas. it's been pretty miserable. i haven't been able to see any of my friends from back "home".

why is it "home"?
it doesn't feel like home. home is college. home is my dorm. home is that little single of mine that exemplifies my freedom and independence. this place? it's nothing more than memories of everything i was never allowed to do.

there's a boy. there's been a boy for awhile. he wasn't a good boy. of course, i fell for him. back in high school, we were so young. he was my first love, my first everything. he hurt me countless times with his lying and cheating and going behind my back and victimizing himself. i always came back to him. he broke up with me back in thanksgiving. i was happy. it was a weight removed off of my shoulders.

he's begged for me back ever since. he has slightly matured, i'll give him that. he's not a bad boy anymore. he hangs out with like 4 people. he doesn't do anything. he goes to work, college, and the same kid's house every night. he still lives with his parents. he's still in that high school mentality.
i didn't take him back.
the single life was mine to be had, finally. the puma was free.
but we still talked. i found myself still caving into him, unable to be harsh or mean. I knew that once i returned home, i would not be able to resist returning to him. i'm sure you know how that is. the feelings would just come bubbling up all over again.

he stopped by on christmas eve as a surprise. he gave me earrings. it's not a very personal gift. i didn't get him anything. he asked me out again. he was wearing aeropostle, which if you knew him in high school, you would understand how unbelievably odd that was. he looked good. and then there was that smile again. that crinkly eyed grin of his that i fell for over a year ago. that grin that my poor little high school self had wanted to marry. i said yes.

some feelings never really go away. they just hide and burrow, deep within your mind. you push them and their inconveniences aside. but when you are once again face to face with that object of your affection? i couldn't help it. what am i going to do?

i don't regret it now. i want to be with him. once again, i am following my pleasure principle, not caring about my consequences. i miss the good times we had. he promises he's changed and he even seems like he has a bit. he wants to be romantic. he was never romantic. i was always a little sad about his lack in that area.

what about college? i'll go away again. there are bound to be other guys. and i'm gone for so long. i don't like feeling attached, feeling locked down, feeling like a caged bird, or perhaps more fitting, a caged tiger. i like sex. i like boys. i have needs. 1500 miles away, you can't provide me with those needs. not only that, i need contact. not even talking about sex. i need hugs, compassion, cuddling, hand holding. i think i missed holding hands the most. i'm not this hyper-sexual nymphomaniac that i sound like. i used to be a hopeless romantic and i still am. i need a person, not a text message or a video call.

i won't be able to tell him any of this when the time comes. i know i won't. i'm a coward of the worst kind. and i'm a cheat and a liar too. i used to be so pure and angelic and perfect and moral and i don't know what's become of me. but i'm not going to change. i maximize my happiness on behalf of everyone else's. i'm selfish.

there are other guys here that want me. i've got them calling me, texting me, asking me how i am feeling, when i'm well so we can hang out.

what am i going to do?

i read through a blog today. through many years of daily blogging. i hate this girl. she was my boyfriend's (?) first. that gives me every right to hate her. but she also hooked up with him many times during the time i knew him, and perhaps even once while we were dating. she's a cunt for various reasons.

but she's a cunt that he brought roses and cherries to outside her window in the middle of the night on her birthday.

he never once bought me flowers.

walk of shame.

2009-12-20T15:22:00.002-05:00

with monkey slippers and pjs.

in 4 inches of snow...

interesting.
i'm so beat.

done.

2009-12-18T17:31:00.000-05:00

i have officially completed my first semester here as of 5pm today.

and it feels amazing.
sdkhsdhdshgjfhgdf!

woot!

unfortunately, i now am cleaning my room, due to the neglect it is felt over the past two months. yum, two months worth of grossness. o.0

and there's nothing going on tonight because there's this big math final tomorrow that everyone's in. i just want to celebrate!

but yes. life feels righteous.

it's not only sexual frustration that occurs here...

2009-12-17T02:19:00.000-05:00

it's creative frustration as well. unless you're specifically taking an art class, this place will suck your creativity dry. which is really sad. i'm in a school full of handraisers and question askers, but when you ask them to create something beautiful, they shudder in fear. i think something needs to be changed a bit here.

so today, i had my 3rd exam out of four. it went okay, i guess. i didn't fail.
afterwards, of course i didn't feel like studying for my exam on friday. of course.
but i was feeling quite frustrated and suppressed. my sexual tension has been building up since last weekend, along with the compounding creative frustration. it was like a large monstrous beast dwelling inside me, and today, that creative monster decided to finally force its way out where i couldn't think of doing anything but somehow creating artwork.

funny how creativity can take hold of you just like sex can.

so, lacking space and materials and patience for painting of any sort, i decided to draw. i took out my mechanical pencil and my computer paper and looked on deviantart for something i might be able to draw. here's where that buildup of eroticism from saturday night came out. i decided i wanted to draw a nude. i'd never done a nude before. so i clicked on artistic nudes and picked one out to draw.

i have never had any formal drawing training. i've never had any formal art training. i just get that urge sometimes to create, even if the product kind of sucks.

so i drew this naked chick. her right arm is fucked all to hell, and she's shaded weird, but i kind of like her. she's hot.

and she's good at relieving my...tension. =]

giddyandgirly?

2009-12-14T05:02:00.001-05:00

Today was fantastic. One of the best days I've had since I've been at this school. You know what I did today? absolutely nothing. nothing at all.

i didn't get back into my room until around 1pm. It's a long, juicy, AMAZING story that I really don't want to get into in this blog, but it left me feeling fantastic and bouncy and lucky and just all around great. I'll leave it at that.

so I get back into my room, I take a shower. I was supposed to meet some friends and go ice skating at one pm, but considering that i got in at one pm, that wasn't going to work. i take a shower, get ready to go skating. i figured i'd just be late. it's 2:30, i'm leaving my room, and i realize that it's raining. bummer. no ice skating today. =[

so i simply go out and chill with some people. i watched grey's anatomy episodes, and fooled around online and on addictinggames.com. i killed the entire world today in pandemic 2. go play that game. it's so damn fun.

really, just such a chill and relaxing and amazing day. <3

life...life is so unexpected and weird. things pop up that you'd NEVER expect. plans evaporate and spontaneous events occur. and you know what? something tells me that it's all for the better. something good will come out of the random chaos. you can't predict life for a reason. you can't go throughout it planning your every move. sometimes you just have to live spontaneously in the moment. it really might be the best time you've had in awhile.

=DDDD

i'm such a giddy silly GIRL right now. very uncharacteristic. =P

i love naked people.

2009-12-12T16:21:00.002-05:00

it is saturday.
both of my exams are complete.
i survived.

BUT LAST NIGHT WAS FUCKING AMAZING.
so there's this thing the night before exams start where all the students scream and streak around the yard at midnight in the freezing cold. it's amazing. the band plays and everything.
i wasn't going to participate; i was just going to wear a bathing suit bottom and a bra and pass out drinks.
so we go outside, it's like "feels like" nine degrees weather and windy as fuck.
i run out of energy drinks in like 5 minutes.
then, i see some of my male friends stripping and jumping into the fray.
i was just like, "i'm doing it."
so yeah. stripped. ran around the yard.
i feel totally accomplished.
i'm like reborn.
a new woman.

it was warm, until the alcohol effect started to wear off.
(did i mention we pregamed? that's why the cold wasn't so troublesome.)
i don't think i've ever experienced that cold of weather ever, let alone NAKED.

it's so odd when random people and tourists take pictures of you though.
and one of my friends said he saw me running. SO AWKWARD.

BUT COMPLETELY WORTH IT!<3

so when it was all said and done, i came back to my room, still intoxicated.
it's 1:30 am. i had an exam at 9 am.
i had ONE MORE LECTURE to watch.
so i watched it.
while intoxicated.

so i go to take my exam this morning, feeling oh so unprepared.
it had two essays on it.
one of them was the lecture i watched while i was intoxicated.
well i ROCKED that essay. i remembered the lecture word for word.
it was absolutely insane. unreal.
pregaming studying makes you remember shit? i'd think it would be the opposite.
psych study anyone? i'll be your participant. =]

heyhey, guess what?

MLIA. fuckyeah.

i am going to fail both of my final exams on saturday.

2009-12-11T03:57:00.000-05:00

and they are going to kick me out.

i can see it now.

why did i skip so many psych lectures, and sleep through the ones i attended?
why did i never read my gov readings?

you will find me homeless, selling papers for a dime.
i'll miss my macbook pro the most.

a homage to beautiful anonymous writers.

2009-12-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

okay there's this new website at my college. it's causing quite a fuss. it is a lot like this.
people are complaining because they find it stalkerish and creepy.
but me? not at all!
unlike the FML website we have for my school,
this one allows the anonymous writer more creative freedom, and it's not just incessant bitching.
some of these are really poetic, and most of them are about love and unrequited love and there's really nothing more poetic than that.
of course, i'm a sucker for this website. i've been addicted since it's inception. i think maybe i was written about once, by the cute guy i sent the drunk message to. maybe it was him. it was obviously either me or two other girls because we're the only ones in my college who do what was stated. (i'm not getting specific; i enjoy my anonymity too) but then it said, after listing the telltale activity i'm involved in, "you're super cute. i may not have more feelings for you, but i just wanted to let you know-i saw you."
which if it is from him, it makes me swoon a little bit. if it's not, then i'm still sort of swooning. idk. =D

so as a homage to this new fantastic obsession of mine, i'm going to list a few of my favorite anonymous bits of poetry that have graced said website. enjoy! there are poets among us!

Somewhere out there

Posted at 2009-12-09 23:02:22, M spotting F

I saw you... never in my life. I want you without knowing you and I need you for my life to be worth living. Find me when I least expect you. Let my awkward soul breathe easily in your embrace.

****

Posted at 2009-12-09 17:56:29, F spotting M

I saw you... for the first time in senior year high school, and you had me from hello. Although we've been through some rough times in our relationship over the years, I have a feeling that everything is going to turn out all right for us.

Around BLANK & BLANK, I think

Posted at 2009-12-09 17:56:21, M spotting F

I saw you once, in just the right light, as I'd never seen you before... and things were never the same for me after that. I saw you smile, and all the psychological armor I've spent years building up suddenly dissipated into nowhere, inexplicably. I don't even feel the way I did anymore, but I remember the feeling, and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if you had accepted, to be with you, to have my guard forced down all the time, to be able to achieve that state of bliss I've rarely ever known. ...Then again, I still see you, fairly often, and sometimes I think I may have dodged a bullet.

BLANK

Posted at 2009-12-09 17:30:56, F spotting M

I saw you...struggling to walk up the stairs after a round of chemo. You are the strongest person I know, and you have the heart of an angel. What's beautiful is that you don't even know it. You deserved the Rhodes, it's their loss.

Labs

Posted at 2009-12-09 17:22:33, M spotting F

I saw you... Across the hall from me at my lab. I knew I wanted you the first time I saw you. Your black braids with streaks of brown, like coffee right after it's been introduced to milk, but before it's mixed in. Your eyes so big that Atlas himself would balk at holding them. Your skin softer than the fur of an animal that your name rhymes with. Your physique would make Athena jealous. Luckily you and I are more real than any myths.

in the snow

Posted at 2009-12-09 13:55:15, M spotting F

I saw you... On the wintery banks, your freckles illuminated by the snowy sun. You pale eyes gleamed back and the bricked buildings surrounding you... you keep me ever so faithful...

DHall

Posted at 2009-12-09 13:18:39, M spotting F

I saw you... walking into the dining hall, still looking like the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. When I see you, everything is right with the world. Your hair shimmers like golden flax. We lock eyes from across the room. When am I ever going to muster the courage to speak to you?

BLANK

Posted at 2009-12-09 04:02:32, F spotting F

I saw you...this morning in our room; I woke up to the elegant image of you quietly slipping on a flowery dress. Your fiery red curls sear into my mind an eternal picture of a woman I will never forget. We are eons apart---me in the library right now, and you probably sleeping in our room, as you somehow manage a consistent sleep schedule in this crazy, crazy world we live in. Yes, we do share cigarettes, dreams, and dresses. But let's share more time. Roommate, confidant, I miss you, lady!

Our Bed

Posted at 2009-12-09 03:04:30, M spotting F

I saw you, over three years ago, sitting next to me in a freshman week lecture, and neither of us said a word -- but I know you were thinking what I was thinking... Then I saw you from a distance, again and again, always from a distance, and wondered if you ever noticed, and if your jerk boyfriend would just disappear. Turns out you did, and he did -- it took us forever to come clean, but now I see you every day and every night. You're flawless. I'm so lucky.

Dreams and Reality

Posted at 2009-12-09 02:39:08, M spotting F

I saw you... on the train. No one else mattered. I followed you... to the square. I was nervous. I walked... around the stores. I couldn't buy you anything. I knew... that we were different. I tried not to care. I wondered... if you thought about me. I knew you did. I regretted... my timidity. I hope I change.

BLANK

Posted at 2009-12-09 02:02:42, M spotting F

I saw you... in my bed, as you looked at me with a question that you know I could not answer. Your smile belies the pain sitting behind your eyes, those baby worlds containing the untold secrets I'll never get to keep. Your hand slides down my back with a familiarity that is immediate, two strangers in an unforeseeable fate, unaware of the path we make.
^^my favorite! *swwooooooooonnnn*

Our room

Posted at 2009-12-09 00:27:55, F spotting F

I saw you...sleeping in your bed, which is conveniently located next to mine. You were breathing heavily because cold weather makes you stuffy. Your bright, orange ear plugs and gleaming retainers made you look more beautiful than ever. I then went to sleep...only two inches away from you, yet two inches too far.

Dining Hall

Posted at 2009-12-09 00:10:58, M spotting F

I saw you... at breakfast with the same guy two days in a row. Your smile had me from day one but I guess his smile has you.

okay, i made it to 501 to 510, of 731 posts. enough procrastinating.

and lastly, this one made me crack up.

Alaska

Posted at 2009-12-09 20:07:23, F spotting F

I saw you... Russia.

words are beautiful.

oh those hazy mornings and cocktail parties...

2009-12-08T10:38:00.001-05:00

i don't think i always do stupid things when i drink.
but i did last night.

next time i go out drinking, i'm closing up my computer and hiding it before i leave my room.

plus, i got REJECTED.
so my intuition was right.
i was TOTALLY "that girl."

how come it's so hard to find a crush-worthy boy here?
i don't know.
i'll call it the intelligence-attractiveness theorem.
the proportion of people who can get into an ivy league school is a very small percentage.
the proportion of people who are attractive is ALSO a very small percentage.
the probability that those two sectors will overlap is an even SMALLER percentage.
so that's probably why.
better looking people exist at state schools.

why am i so incredibly awkward? i never was like this back home.

stop the baby blogs!

2009-12-07T00:19:00.001-05:00

This isn't going to be a post like the others. just a simple muse. have you ever clicked the "next blog" button on a blogspot page?
don't do it.
it takes you to a random blog, yes, but after an hour of clicking that button repeatedly, in search of some sort of inspiration, or like minds, it appears to me that EVERY SINGLE FREAKING BLOG ON BLOGSPOT IS A BABY BLOG.

really?
i don't understand. perhaps it's because i feel no need to ever reproduce. i desire the independent, jetset lifestyle. i just saw the movie "up in the air", and that's what i want my life to be. no connections, no baggage bringing me down, nothing holding me back, my home is in the air. it's the lifestyle i've always wanted. children, they're parasites. i don't biologically understand why we raise them. once you get pregnant, there goes your life. that festering birth will suck out every single part of your old life, leaving you haggard and gray and OLD. they steal all your time, all your money, all your food, all your adventures, all your romance, all your hopes and dreams and goals, and the only thing they ever give back to you is putting you in a nursing home after it was THEM that made you that way. it's disgusting. babies are disgusting. they poop and puke and spit and are wrinkly masses of gross. if my biological clock ever starts ticking, then please, mark that as the end date of my life. having a baby kills the person you once were and you can never get that vivacity back.

so this blog is definitely in the minority of the blogspot blogosphere. seriously, for an hour of clicking, i only found ONE non-baby blog, and that was a blog showing deals on that stupid organic eco-friendly crap that's all a scam anyways. where's the intelligent jargon? where are the lost souls of the blog world? where are the ranting loners like myself? help me find them. i mean, nobody even reads this blog yet, so i don't know who i'm typing to. i'm typing to the future. which is a weird mindfucking kind of concept, that assumes that i'll ever get any readers to this thing. that's a very broad bold assumption. i just wanted to find another blog like mine; someone spilling their heart and soul into the most beautiful language of words, someone who wants someone, anyone to read their innermost desires, maybe leave a comment or two. i was trying to extend a hand of friendship to a stranger who needs one, and all i found were babies. bleh.

must there be this intense need to tell the entire fucking world about your baby, and document every single day of your baby's life? it's not cute. nobody cares. everyone has babies. you're little life-sucking vampiric parasite is no different from the rest. and it's ugly. no matter how many costumes you shove it into. it goes back to human's need to mark their territory. men do it by putting their name on things. women do it by telling the world their personal issues and trying to show everyone this gross thing that stole half of all of their nutrients for nine months before deciding to pop out of their vagina. i'd much rather hear the juicy details of how that insipid being came to be conceived than having to see another damn picture of that gross alien-looking thing posed next to a pumpkin or a christmas tree.

independence is the spark of life.

nothing to be done.-EDITED rantings from last night.

2009-12-06T15:20:00.005-05:00

ATTN: parts of the following blog have been removed to protect my dignity. Therefore, it doesn't make sense. I only kept parts that sounded cool or insightful. =P

so I drank some tonight. at a wasted pointless party. I hate getting my hopes up. I don’t get it. I don’t get anything. should I start at the beginning? I guess that’s a good place to start.

there’s a cute boy i know. to me. not to you. you’d think he was nasty. but he reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. not like, a replacement. just that kind of type of guy. I can’t help but fall for them.

you get the point.

there’s two types of dancing when you’re dancing with someone. there probably are more, but only two matter right now. type one: the platonic dance. you dance, grind, whatnot, but it’s not all very sexual. it’s just…high school dancing. basically. then there’s type two. air fucking would be a good term for it. it’s like sex. but without the satisfaction. you’re undulating, feeling up on each other, bodies pressed close, moving as one, feeling his manlihood against you, and it’s fucking steamy. it is normally the type that leads to other steamy adventures.

then opportunity arises! as it always does. at least opportunity is reliable.

my cute boy. well not “my” cute boy. I just wish he was. I’m fairly certain that I will never be able to call this boy “my” boy, and that depresses me. life just lets you down sometimes.

trust me, I was in cloud nine, whatever the fuck that reference even means. I don’t know. there are so many obscure phrases in the English language. why are we so fucked up?!?

unfortunately, here I am. not a happy person. so you know things didn’t turn out the way I planned. they never do. I never win. at anything. every dog has his day, so where’s mine and why is it taking so long? everything just ends up fucked up for me. I think it’s time that something goes right. I’m waiting. and my patience is going out the damn window. what is wrong with the world?

so I don’t get it. I don’t get drunkenness.

to continue the letdowns that are my life, today it snowed. being from a southern state, I haven’t had much experience with snow at all. so today was freaking exciting. I had my first snowball fight. I left said snowball fight early to go to this party. it was for some organization that “uninterested-cute-boy” was a part of, and was expected to be in attendance. that’s the only reason I went. I didn’t go because it was the only place to get alcohol tonight; I didn’t go because an ex-hookup was there and I was interested in some replay. I went solely because that one guy was supposed to be there. so I leave my incredibly fun friends and the snow to change into other clothes and trek by myself all the way to some party on the sixth floor of some dorm at 12:30 in the morning. and what do you know? the boy wasn’t feeling good, and wasn’t going to be showing up. so I went for nothing. I did get alcohol. and I did get drunk. and I did see my ex-hookup there hooking up with some other girl, that slimy sleazeball.

I was freaking ego crushed, yes. that seems to be a popular theme here. I’m always getting my ego stomped on. I mean, it’s not very big to begin with. I rarely ever think I have a chance with anyone. this place has killed any semblance of self esteem I ever had. I always feel ugly, and fat, oh so fat, and never good enough in comparison to everyone else. and these boys I’m dealing with don’t help me one bit. they’re just making me feel worse and worse about myself. will I ever get a guy again? ugh.

so the guy I’m digging wasn’t at the party, so here I am, after the party, sobering up by myself in a cold cold bed, typing this from the depths of my soul. I’m so frustrated with the whole system. fuck the system. I want to actually have a chance with someone. I want someone to actually be interested in me. please help my floundering curb-stomped ego before it disappears completely. I just want success for once. it’s bad enough that any chance I’d have for an a this semester is blown out the window as I struggle for b’s even. so I can’t get success in academics. and I can’t even get success in the bedroom. I’m not even all about sex. kissing, I was totally fine with kissing. but I can’t even seem to get that anymore.

I’m so goddamn pathetic.

I guess there’s nothing to do but wait. I hope I’m not “that girl”. ever wonder if you’re “that girl”? like, I hope I’m not that annoying one who constantly tries to get with you and you just humor her to get her away but you really think she’s just fat, ugly, and annoying and you’d really like her to leave you alone so you don’t respond to her attempts at communication, but she’s not getting the hint? I could very well possibly be “that girl.” see, I told you this place has ruined my self image. so now I’ll just wait and see.

this whole damn semester can be defined by a j-curve. it’s probably the only damn thing I’ve learned this semester as well, probably because it so keenly applied to my life. it’s about raising and increasing expectations, and then having the results come out far lower than you expected, which leads to peasant uprising and civil unrest and anger and revolution. well, I’m not uprising anytime soon, but the results have consistently been far lower than the expectations. the solution may be to lower my expectations to match the output, you might say. but the thing is, I’ve already lower them. this is pretty damn low on the scale. I rarely ever even have expectations. I normally envision the worst happening, and then if they are better than the worst, they feel all the more sweeter. so that wouldn’t solve me. my expectations are already as low as they go. I just need some sort of goodness to happen. please. I’m waiting. begging.

still waiting. nothing yet.

nothing to be done.

my notes from my final phil 8 class. i didn't pay attention.

2009-12-02T20:57:00.002-05:00

4 aspects to any judgment
• quantity – all some one
• quality- f not f non-f
• relation-s is p, if then, either or
• modality-maybe is must be
i don’t feel like typing notes.
transcendental deduction
• experience is actual
• only possible if a priori
• there are a priori categories
• wtf

i love the drone of fingertips on laptop keyboards. it adds a new dimension to the class room, a symphony of taps. sometimes, it’s just one sole tip-tapper, that one that records everything, even the movement of the professor. then, the professor will make a main point, and there’s a sudden crescendo of tip-taps as the combined typing of the entire class conjoins to form one orchestra, one force. slowly, dependent on how detailed each takes their notes, one by one the instrumentalists will drop out, until again, you’re left with that sole tapper. they should arrange a computer keyboard piece.

i should be paying attention to philosophy class, considering I really don’t know anything in this class. but it is the last class, I don’t think paying attention in this one will help me any significant amount. I don’t even care about what these old dudes think. like, at one point I thought this class would be fun and interesting, but I really just don’t care. it makes it really hard to focus. it sure as hell is no sex chapter. those are the best. I love learning about sex. not in a creepy, pervert, nymphomaniac sense. I just think learning about our own sexuality is so interesting because it’s such a taboo topic. it shouldn’t be. it needs to be more open.

it’s funny. you’d think I was the lone typer right now, typing away on my keyboard. you’d think I was taking these incredible notes. I’m not. obviously. but it’s a good delusion. maybe all those sole typers are really just sitting at their computers, spilling their souls day in and day out, recording their deepest thoughts. or maybe they’re just recording everything the professor says like a stupid little brownnoser.

i don’t belong here. I have focusing issues, I don’t get complex concepts, I don’t like writing papers. screw it, i HATE writing papers. and I didn’t learn much in my life. there are people here who came into Harvard knowing ten times more than I was ever even exposed to. I should have went to art school. graphic design and marketing. maybe i'd fit in there. or maybe they'd all be pretentious pricks like the "artiste's" back home, and i truly wouldn't fit in at all. all i know is i'm going to lose myself here, drowning in the coattails of the overachievers. i may already be lost. i never was an overachiever. who was i kidding? i'm not very smart. my life is average. it's still sad that my last few harvardfml's have been rejected, because even my life isn't fucked enough to be posted on a website. there are people drowning more than i am and that's scary because i don't know about them, but i think i need a lifeboat or at least one of those red and white s.s. titanic lifesaver thingies. Harvard is sucking away any semblance of creativity or independence I ever possessed. shit, I’m going to be late for section. bye philosophy notes.